銀色雨絲, 黑暗之夜. 夜武士夜貓丸的心之房間

Has been a while since i written any piece here. Piano keys still ringing around this dark filled room of mine, everything seems so... familiar and calm...
The semester has begun for a while, about 4th week now. Things are proceeding accordingly and individual assignments went on a normal rate. Speeches, it seems that i am different from who i was, when i'm still a freshmen at year one. I seem to lost my motivation, and becoming more objective oriented. It seems so plain, no really persuasive at all. On top of that, kinda blew up my impromptu due to lack of information. On the other hand, i get to team with people who i never really coop before, i sure do hope things will go well this semester.
Other than academic stuff, the rest are pretty uninteresting, aside from a little rain here and then, and of course some epic moments with my usual game team. I do feel this semester rather dry, maybe is because i withdrew myself from the majority and be focus on my study again. Being with the crowd is not that simple most of the time, especially with the condition now, discretion may be my best option for the mean time.
Aside these matters, i heard grave news from kampar. Friends of mine lost someone who are important to them. Incident that i saw on newspaper, it do stunt me for a moment, that makes me hope they are not someone who i know. I know this is selfish, but isn't that what all people hope when they hear someone died? At least my hope was granted, but instead it is the one i know who lost someone they know well. Life in these days are tragic isn't it? One moment someone is here, one moment they are gone, just like a breeze disappearing into the void. But that is life, it is just a journey. Everyone will eventually reach the end of the journey and meet their end. I can only hope that their soul would rest in peace, and people who mourn them shall be able to remember them and pass on in their journey. Live a worthy life, die a worthy death.
It was always my option to seal up some of the unnecessary emotion, but is it truly worth all the effort? Less emotion means less outburst, but at the same time keeps me away from the usual crowd. Maybe time will tell, maybe time will show me what is the suitable way for me. In the mean time, keep to my self control method.

Another semester has just ended with the final exam. It is not a really enjoyable semester due to a lot of minor and major incident happened. Financial problems, problems at school, barred subject, additional works, all these make me extremely tired wheter in heart or body.
Starting with the financial, what has been promised to me has been cut short, i have quite some hectic moments trying to accumulate the rest of my tuition fees during the beginning of the semester. Promise, is there anyone that is still keep to their promise? Damn i really hate it when people break their promise, but in this case it is still understandable, so i let it go. Most hated part during these moments is that i even had a small fight with my mum, which i really do not like to. It makes both of us sad in a bad way.
Problem at school are mostly attitude disagreements, here a little bit, there some stuff happens, and eventually leads to chaotic moments where everybody in the state of cold war or direct fight. Can't really say anymore about these kind of problem anymore, because i know everybody is different and our inner sins prevent us from being a big group, especially in different generations due to the different mind set. As said before, i do, some time being too nice and to forgiving for certain method that these action leads to disrespect and less cooperation. I forgotten that discipline is the way to build up a strong team, not too much of a kind heart. In the end basically i revert a bit back to my old self where i still a person that is focus on discipline. It is better this way, at least for me. And talk about barred subject, it really taken some of my time to resolve it, and luckily i did manage to settle it. Graduating a semester behind is a really bad idea, considering my age and the money needed. 
Follow up with extremely tight schedule where lots of work pile up like nobody business, basically everyone is worked up to extreme. Able to finish most of mine a little bit early for settling my additional work, i am too very stressed up. Guess efficiency is still the best tool of mine when it comes to rush of projects. 
Beside all of these, i would rate this semester outcome is relatively low to myself, some changes i made is not suitable, as well as facing lots of problems. Gonna take my semester break a real serious break, will definately need them to regain my strength in mind and body. End of log.

At the beginning,
I have nothing.
Did not understand myself,
did not understand the things around me,
did not understand the world.

Through near death and depths of disappointment,
i understand who i was,
i discover what i've been,
i know my future goal.

From the void,
i found the path i should take,
and i went through the harshness it gaves me.

Fill with patient,
i stood up again all the challenges,
one step at a time,
pieces by pieces,
i stood firmly on the path i taken.

Recent activity had made me agitated, and finally unleash my anger. Never have guessed that my anger would once clouded my judgement again, and said something that is slightly over. I guess my old memory come back to haunt me again right? People who i do not know well, i would care less. But once i feel betrayed or threaten by who i trust, i would really get into anger real fast. Maybe it is because i care? or maybe releasing my emotion has just open up both my positive and negative feelings? or maybe i just feel annoyed when i'm not with a group i am comfortable with?

Some time i do wonder, should i really care for the project? If i care, then i would be strict on certain details, but that would not be liked by a lot of people because i focus on discipline and responsibility, and that would not be liked with certain people. Sorry for me being the mind of "determined group" when it come to project that i care, because in the real world that is the only way things go. Sacrifice must be done for a good project, but i do not like the sacrifices to be in vain, so i care about the prrocess, and the outcome. I want perfection, i want completion, not just merely finished project.

Maybe for others it is just assignments, but for me, it is my final gamble towards my future life, good or bad will decide whether i can stay in this field or not. I have too much to lose, too much to be careless. There is still one and a quater year to go, can i continue to maintain myself and achieve my goal in the end? or maybe i will be separated from the main group and become a lone wolf again? Time shall tell, time shall tell.....

Distance of mind,
distance of heart,
distance of dream,
distance of soul.

Distance of everything makes life hard,
distance of everything makes life valuable.

To live in a world with distances,
that is the hardest challenge to complete.

It's been very busy for this week. Assignments, PTPTN stuff, meetings, and bunch of others. t has been a harsh week, where troubles and emotion starts to act up. Trouble with friends, trouble with the family, trouble with loans.

Maybe now i know why when i drink i do not feel good... If alchohol is said to be release the inner self, that really may be what i felt all this time, hidden emotions that not been show out. Life of being an exiled has never been easy on me. People do give lots of comment about me, say that i'm too protective to myself, hard to trust other people, always assume for the worst... But is that my bad attitude? For all i know this is what the world has made me to be, all the hardships and experiences, has toughen me up. Time passes really fast, i changed... attitude wise better, emotion wise can say reaching breakout points... The worst things that can happen to me... stop my studies, stress myself to death, or maybe i'll just break down one day... Too many bad stuff in my life...

They say that people live by a reason, a reason that drives their path, and fear of death is because they fear that they cannot achieve that reason. But i no longer fear death, should that mean that i already lose the reason to live? Is my dicipline that has been keeping me alive all this time? A hollow living creature? I no longer know what am i fighting for... honor? whose honor? duty? whose duty? life? what kind of life? Hope? Do i even have the supility to create a false hope? Faith? Except for those who i dear for, faith in other stuff has already been long gone...

Sigh... no longer do i have the strength to carry all the false reason, no longer do i have the faith in believing what that are illusions. My mind may never pause, fills with negative emotions and nightmares. Do you ever have a nightmare that is so real, showing you your life, that wakes you up in the night, and you actually cries? Nightmares like these haunt me every now and then, i still wake up in the middle of the night, feeling helpless, alone in the dark... That's why i always try to make myself over tired by gaming and reading, because i wanted to make myself so tired that i could not even dream, and at least then i'll have a good rest... night seems to be longer these days, as well as the loneliness...

I no longer sure how long can i be "disappointed" like these, i no longer sure that when i'll be leaving this place without any news... My dicipline still holds me, as they are my last line of defence, my last line of sanity.

Insanity seems to be, very near if all these continues...

I'll try, i'll try to hold on, till the day i become the fallen....

Was doing my assignment stuff in my room, feeling a bit tired and going to toilet...
The next moment when i open my door, there it is, a brownish little doggie right in front of me! From then a new familia member, name B girl(don't ask me why the name, it is not given by me, i still call it BB~~~)
It was a shock at the beginning, as i never imagine that my house would have a dog(as if anyone still have the time and effort to take care of anything~~~) And the worst part is, i was never notified of such decission... can already feel how "unimportant" or "irrelevant i am huh? Especially that i am, afraid of small dog...(just small rabid dog that go hyper all the time and start barking at me non-stop... bad childhood memory...)
After a while, i decide to face my fear. It was lucky too because BB is not a bark~ful dog, or at least it doesn't bark on me. Get to play with it some time and getting use to having a dog in the house, although it begin to bite at lots of stuff~~ cloths, shoes, bottles, woods, and worst part is, she bite me when she gone hyper.... although it's mostly scratches... Hope she stop biting soon or i'm gonna stop playing with her for a while~~~~

It was raining today, i'm watching movie in the house. Heard some sound outside and it was her collar sound, then i notice that she playing under the rain... Although the rules is she is not allowed into the house, but i still let her in, can't bear looking at a small animal in the rain, especially it's my own house animal. She was hyper a bit while i wipe off the water on her, but she later realise that i'm not too happy with her going hyper and biting my hand. Well... later i just keep her around my sight and she do, first time quietly lie down and not going hyper. Kinda little improvement heh ?

Oh well, gonna find ways to train her to listen to command soon... or else i'll spend like 15 mins in the morning chasing her down and "grab" her into the house... Hate it when she ran out from the house in the morning when i need to rush to school...

Third semester result just came out not long ago, as expected, remain pretty much the same with some minor decrease, due to the body condition and mental condition during the exam.
Overall this semester is a chaotic one, being stuff with jobs here and there, events, shooting, helping out, you name it. Much of repetiting experience but well worth the time spent on them, as i do get to spend my time being productive instead of getting trap in my own emotion outbreak.
No major changes in accademically but experimental changes in self behavior and attitude. This happened in the end of the semester, by letting myself in a more less restriction in expressing myself, also letting my emotion out most of the time. Result is, not really good vs family because i tend to be very easily agitated most of the time(due to my experiences...). As for friends, still not really sure what is the reaction, but mostly do not gives negative reaction or feedback, guess i can still continue this method heh ?
Oh well, not much to report this semester, hope next one is gonna be a good one. End of log #3

坐在我的新”戰友”前(我的”新”古董手提電腦, 名”緣”), 是的, 我再次的失眠. 反胃的感覺消弱了, 但依然不太舒服.
這幾天的無常, 或許是所謂的”超出負荷”吧? 一直都被深鎖的枷鎖得到了解放, 或許, 就這麼的或許, 從來不讓自己那麼順著感覺走的滋味, 那種一直被封鎖的感覺. 得到解放後的一切, 本來被自己的枷鎖穩穩隱藏起來的, 看來真的儲存了不少的壓力. 自由的讓自己感受表現出來的, 原來是… 這麼痛快, 也是同時那麼的困難.
從那天的開始, 為了改變一個不好的自己, 努力的封印了, 許許多多的自己, 不在讓懶散讓自己散漫, 不在讓自己瑣碎的感受表現出來. 隱藏與封印, 學會了不讓自己的一切成為能被人利用, 被人看死, 不讓自己的弱點表現出來. 可能吧, 這一切成為了我自己的枷鎖, 當被解開的一刻, 那堆積在心底的一切, 讓我到了所謂的”失常”的情況吧?
把這枷鎖解開了, 是真的對了嗎? 是的, 可能自己比較所謂的表面化一點, 喜怒哀樂比較容易表現出來, 同時的也很難再次的控制自己的情緒吧? 無常, 這本來就是我自己吧? 可能對自己的太過的要求完美, 什麼事情都對自己有很高的要求, 不讓自己有任何的差錯, 導致一部分的自己, 被迷失在這過程中. 忘了原來我真正渴求的東西, 不是什麼天高的成就, 不是什麼完美的表現, 而是一個棲息的地方.
可能不多人會明白, 活在一個不屬於自己的世界, 一個反常理的世界裡面, 那渴求平凡的幸福的心, 是什麼感覺的; 每天因為所謂的責任, 所謂的堅持, 去做一些自己早已厭惡的工作, 是什麼感覺的; 每天回到一個自己沒有地位, 沒有價值, 只是被看待成工具的地方, 是什麼感覺的? 如果真的要把這感覺規律起來的話, 我能說是, 一種空虛, 一種寂寞吧? 無法分享的空虛與寂寞… 成就是什麼? 別人的看好是什麼? 到頭來也只是自己拿著那份”好”, 而旁無他人的一片空地而已. 本來已好好打算的一切, 沒有了精神上的寄託, 一切早已沒有了意義.
我是個喜歡沉醉與故事, 沉醉與感覺的人. 酒精無法灌醉我. 我只能沉醉與一部電影, 一首歌, 一本書, 一個遊戲, 一個幻象里. 或許我一直努力在這些東西裡面尋找的東西, 就是一個普普通通的”棲息地”而已吧? 別人說得沒錯, 我是一個”觀”的人, 喜歡躲在角落去觀察世界上的一切, 忘了自己也是世界裡的一部分的人吧? 觀, 讓我能看清楚世界上的一切, 但卻讓我忘了去看清楚自己.
或許吧, 把自己的感覺封鎖起來, 讓我盲目的看不見自己, 忘了自己的真正感受. 現在這解放, 到底是好是壞, 我真的不知道. 接下來這漫長的生活里, 我還會面對什麼東西, 還有什麼樣子的挑戰, 什麼樣的挫折, 我還能一直堅決的走下去嗎? 願我遵守的, 武士之道, 能讓我平平穩穩的去面對一切, 去找回早已失去的自己, 以及一個屬於我的, 棲息地.

“我不祈求榮華富貴, 只祈求平凡的快樂. 但這才是我最艱難的, 願望.” by 銀夜武士 夜貓丸