It's already february and the end of will soon come. It's dark in the office except my cubicle still light up like a those clearly lid room in the long pass corridor. The air conditioner hums with a barely working cooling effect, accompany by the keyboard tapping of my own. 
    Work life has never been so unsure. Unsure of so many things that clouded my judgement, and maybe my feeling deep down within the thick barrier that been standing for ages. A production trip to the caspian sea, soon will fill my time before my graduation. 12 days in the barren cold desert and sea that surrounded by the desert itself, just like my heart within a barrier of consciences. Uncertainty, things that really bother me until i can become a moody person which even disgusted by myself. 
    Been meeting people from time to time, even meeting with my NS roommate, which i was close to during my time at the NS training. Well, i have to admit he do able to see through me as i never thought off. A sense of happiness yet it saddens me, to have someone who can see through the barrier of camouflage and to know that i'm becoming enclosed in my own world again. Lost of contact seems to have brought distance to our friendship i would say, as i cannot bring down my sense of guard towards someone who i known for so long. The reality of society seems to had taken toll in my will to share my true self. 
    They say, when without anyone to share your life moment with, every little thing in your life seems meaningless. I guess i've finally tasted the truth behind that saying. Living alone on my own is not hard in terms of financial and independent capability. I'm able to achieve these without any problem, yet to be defeated by the sense of loneliness. It feels like a crack on the floor which goes on forever, like the black hole in universe that knows no boundary. The feeling, properly named, "Hollow". And the hollowness within my heart grows deeper with each passing day, affecting my emotion and even my performance. 
    Traveling, it seems to help in a certain way. My curiosity keeps me distracted from the hollow space behind the barrier. A walk to somewhere, anywhere will help me recollect myself in certain way. Caspian sea, a place so far away from what i've seen and been to. It's a sea that is trapped forever within the barren desert like the barrier of my heart; being extracted for all it's dark content like seeping the secret of one person heart. Maybe my trip there is to discover a part of myself, to understand the value of the place, to capture the view and moment that has value in them. 
    Life has been tough, the barrier is getting higher. Without the capability of living in a artificial world of games makes my fantasy suffers. It suffocates, drowning the very essence that keeps me a dreamer. I hope that the hollowness will soon be filled, and no longer reeks the suffering of the void. My sword will continue to stand to protect the sense of hollowness, until the day i found something value of my life. 

    It has been more than a month pass 2010, and it's already at february of 2011. Was kinda occupied for the previous month so the log will have to come after all the chores and work.
     Previous year was kinda hectic too in comparison of all the previous year, many things happens and a lot has changed. Friendships that proven to be not as strong as i presume; moving out to live by myself; getting a confirmation of the future job that i'm gonna be working in; getting pounded with all kind of challenges until i almost lost to. Heck it's like a survival course for me in 2010. 
    Talking about challenges, the main thing that i've experienced is reaching the limit of my endurance to family problems. i've face many difficult situation until i already walking on the edge of my patiences and forgiveness. In the end the result is for me to leave this place that has not been warm to me, traveling to live in another city, PJ. Here i found a room to rent, in a family house with 1 old couple which is kind towards me, their granddaughter which is definitely older than me, a private jet stewardess. 2 guy housemates which almost never talk to and 1 of them left, then came another housemate which is a female. Well, almost none of us really talk to each other, our timing all was very much different, most of the time i've only seen them in the room or maybe in the corridor. The place here is really up to my standard to be honest, clean and quiet, and of course family house where security is definitely better. Living on my own is pretty much heavy task on the first few months, and now i'm kinda having it a little easier with only one task to focus, which is work and not part time working plus study. Life now is more steady compare to previous year since i have a steady income now and a permanent job.
    Friendship wise, it's proven a real test where i've seen a lot of activities going around, especially when i'm in trouble where i no longer able to keep up with my contribution anymore. I see people who beginning to set a distance from me, as if i no longer in their list anymore. Some are even friends that i'm sured to keep for lifetime, but they proven me wrong. Maybe this is a good opportunity as well, filtering out which to keep and which to discard. Those who are true to me will be my friends forever. 
    2010, it has been a trial by fire, all my endurance really shown their capability as challenges proceed. I've survived another year, another year that proven i'm still standing tall. Here comes a totally different stage of my life now, career life. I can only hope that this 2011 is gonna be a fruitful year and all my true friends remain as they are close to me now. 

End of log.

By Predator

曾经， 我幻想着未来， 一个我想要的未来世界。

曾经， 我幻想着住在一个不跟国界，不分社会，不分种族，
一个科技发达到什么都可能，而且人与人之间的关系很好的地方。
我想住在一个朋友都围绕在附近， 而且随时能见面的地方。

现实上， 事情并没那么单纯， 
世人的纷争支离了这个世界。
名声， 资源， 权力， 这些都是战争与灾难的原罪。
科技拉近了人们的距离， 但却分离了人心。

我已为，人，都是单纯的灵魂，
但最后才发现原来这个世界早已腐败。
不管他们自己又没有发现，人人都有自己腐败的一面。

就这样的现实， 梦， 已不能实现。
一个又一个的梦，分解，消失，然后重生。
 
欢迎来到破梦咖啡馆， 这里是你的破梦能得到安抚的地方。

    In difficult times, priority of a person changes. Each of us have our own set of priority when it comes to decision making, ranging from simple decision making like where to go to who to help. 
    In my time, i would say the changes of priority makes a dent in my attitude as well. In the past i usually quite easy going as i done a lot of stuff to help people, putting others in the top of my priority list. Maybe in that way i scored a bunch of "friends" that interact well with me. But as my difficult time comes, i couldn't spare any more resources to do such favor. A few things that just added up to my priority has made me a more realistic person. So i've changed, from a person who like to help others to a person who only help when the resources and time can be spared. 
    Such change of event and personality has given me one thing, the true side of who you previously called "friends". Those who are loyal to you, provide helps, understanding, and even company when you need them. For others who doesn't care about you, well... they stay away from you, asking you to help them but never think about your situation. To worsen the condition, they think you should provide them with results no matter how hard for you it could be, yet when they in trouble they say it's their priority to settle their stuff first and ditch their work like it doesn't matter to them even it is important to you. 
    Sometimes I'm tired of seeing the real faces of people, tired of all the nonsense and advantages they trying to take out of you. Such is life, when you think you are important, know that other think that you are on the bottom of their list. So why should i care about maintaining the high commitment to those who doesn't not care? Maybe i should close down my heart a little bit and dedicate myself to those friends who remain true to me in my difficult times.

"When others trying to persuade you they have problems and you don't have, they are just screwing with your mind to make you think you are not as important as them"
- Predator

房里围绕着周杰伦的歌，我在床上躺着休息， 正在烦恼着还没完成的工作。

听着每首不同的歌， 脑子不听话的在回忆以前在听每一首歌的时候。 

这， 就是我听歌的习惯吧？ 听歌的时候记忆总是比较清晰。

有的歌回忆着情感， 有的歌回忆着寂寞，有的歌回忆着旧时的家里。

那些回忆都围绕着在那熟悉的天花板， 还有那没办法调速度的风扇，

还有那一叠叠的漫画， 一叠叠的光碟， 一叠叠的小说， 一叠叠周刊。

总是在听歌的时候， 会不经意的跟着歌一起唱，不管那是早上下午，晚上还是午夜。

可笑的， 有时候会被妈妈投诉吧？ 不应该在午夜后唱歌， 打扰到别人。

手上总是拿着漫画，总是过了很久还停留在同一页，专心的听歌而忽略手中的读物。

在转歌的瞬间，回忆停顿了，眼前的画面跟脑中不一样了。

米黄的天花板， 变成了白色的， 还有墙上那刚刚贴好的墙纸。 

不能调节的旧风扇， 变成了新的白色风扇， 还是能调节的。

放满漫画光碟周刊的桌子， 变成了放着公司电脑还有一杯浓浓的独树香茶。

那被我妈说硬得半死的单人床， 变成了到现在还有点不习惯那太软的双人床。

还多了一个衣橱， 多了一个茶水的桌子， 多了放肮脏衣物的水桶，

多了一份陌生， 多了一份寂寞，多了一份空虚， 多了一份冷意，

还有代替着那断了的自制木刀，在马六甲买的便宜木刀。

It has been weeks for now, almost a month. 

Luck, it seems to always not favouring me. 

I've left, the place that cause my much agony, a place who people call "home"

A place that i already lost faith to...

I've been living on my own, mostly...

Here in a distance place, or not so far away.

A place of unfamilirities, a place where i have to start adapting to.

A place where i feel, for the first time, alone.

When i decided to leave, i have lost many things.

Sense of security, sense of company, sense of belonging...

All at the moment when i feel defeated by my naiveness,

to believe what that no longer exist in this place, hope...

I do return to the place so call "home" in times, to pick up some of my belongings.

Never once i face with warmth faces, always face with unwelcome glares.

It never changes, still a place that filled with hatred, like the floor is filled with barb wires.

Every single steps here fills me with pain, mentally...

This is the second time that i've been staying overnight at school, apart from a day before. This is also the first time i post a blog using a mac.

Life here after school is different from what i experiences before. People running around, keeping updates on facebook, (Now i now why they always online) doing other assignments, sharing food and so. Well, although they say they hate it, but i would say they enjoy it. Apart from the facilities, the company are kinda good for them. Just sometimes i would say, too many distractions.

On my terms, i sort a like privacy when doing my work or so, at least i have better efficiency. As i said, too many distractions, plus i don't get to take bath, a comfy chair, my own pc, my files, and of course the silent of the night. 

New production group has been quite a new experience. Some i like, some i don't. Not to comment too much here in case of prying eyes, i would keep the details for those who have better tolerance of reality. Having my post as online editor has been fun but tiring, learn new stuff but mostly repetitive things. i really wonder whether i will stay long in editor line... Still thinking i will go for DOP in my future job, i am definitely better at that. 

Well, not much i can write off for the moment, beginning to have minor blurriness. 

Predator Signing Off....

I dreamed about the future,
about a place that i wanted to be.

I dreamed about living in world that is not separated with nations, community, races,
a place where technology made everything possible, connections between people are strong.
I wish to live in a place where all my friends are living around me,
where i can meet with them anytime i wanted.

In reality, things were not so forgiving,
places are divided because everybody still trying to compete with each other.
Fame, resources, power, all these are fundamentals of why war, famine, disaster exist.
Technology bring proximity, yet divided people far apart from their imagination.

I thought that people were pure from their heart,
but in the end i only find the world is not pure to begin with.
People have their own hidden agenda,
whether they realized it or not.

Dream, no longer able to fulfill, because of the reality of the world.
Divided, perish and reborn, from a dream to another dream.

Once every while, this sort of feeling will wear me down. Afraid of what i will become, and what will i do.

Time changes me, situation changes me, experience changes me. From a naive child who believe in the world, now slowly become a man who believe only a few things in life. Changes, are cruel to everyone of us, not a single grain of mercy on anything.

I decided to let myself out, trying hard to no longer conceal all my feeling. In time i find that i'm my worst nightmare, or soon to become. Keeping my emotion free flow do show the consequences of years of enduring. I tend to be more, explosive, or hot headed some times.

When i work in a group, i often keep to a minimum of what i truly desire, as i know that some time sacrifices are made for the better of everyone emotionally. I always keeps the grudges and anger behind the mask, being kind to those who do mistake, giving them opinion instead of scolding. Maybe i was too kind, too passive to do anything, as i was not always appreciated. I gave my best, yet to be knock off by the common norms of community. Outnumbered i suppose, because i was never born to be a part of the big circle.

Some times i wonder, why do i always become the "Hi, Thanks, Bye" or "I need.... , Bye" or maybe even "Hi" kind of people. When my help was needed, everyone treat me like a part of them, but when my duty was completed, i was cast out.

I always comfort myself, i was being humble, i was being kind, i was being helpful. But as time pass by, i know that plainly helping especially involve me giving out resources of my own for normal acquaintances without getting anything, or even a thanks, is just not worth it anymore. I am becoming more and more independent from the family, and less and less tied. I know that i need to establish something, or i will be nothing in the future. I do feel guilty when i see all my friends is getting on their feet while i can't even earn a cent, apart from my family business.

My friend always said that i'm being rip off by people because of my kindness, and some times dragging them into it makes me feel bad. They say that i should really become more rational and getting paid for what i can do. I know that i do feel rip off some time, but not all the time.

Maybe i have changed from all the experience i get, i have become slightly selfish. You know what is funny? When you are kind people will always think of you as a kind person, but one day when you get angry they will abandon you like they never know you before, as if they have rip enough benefits from you and no longer needed you. Some time i wish that i have trusted my intuition that some people are not worth being close friends, or even friends at all. Rotten apple never be drop too far from it source.

Recent emotion peaking and outburst tells me one important thing, that i have changes, once more. Now i do face people with what i feel truly, at least more than before. I tell them what i hate, no longer hiding them due to my acceptance and kindness. I am some how more frank than before, if you know what i mean. i know that enduring bullshit no longer can be tolerated by me as i do not want to be a walking time bomb, waiting for someone to enrage me and blow up.

I do notice i lost something when i try to be more frank, as people always like to listen to "good stuff" all the time. But i shall remain as such, because i know that people like that do not require my attention anymore. They are not even true to themselves, why should they be true to you?

We hear this everyday, we have it all the time. We wish to conquer it, and we envy those without, or what we thought so.

What creates fear? It's not something that you can see, but only to lurk inside you, surfacing only during the critical moments. It's reflects your deepest desire, the things that you afraid to lose above all. We always envy those who have no fear, whether in movie or in real life.

But do you know what does it means to have no fear?

Fearless means that you have nothing to lose, and at the same time it means you have, nothing. We all have fear in losing, whether it is in the form of material, spiritual, and most importantly, the existence of oneself. Having none of those you have become fearless, and at the same time "you" no longer exist.

I once have fear in everything and ultimately i seek ways to conquer them. Slowly by getting rid of fear, i understand that i have lesser and lesser things that make my life important.

I seek into the mind of warriors, i seek into why people having fear. Battlefield, prison, daily life, criminals, every places is full of them, and those who have less are the things that i seek.

 In the end i find the reason behind, why people can live without fear. Detachments, devotions, believe, faith, isolation... All these contribute towards having less fear. But what i seek is beyond those, i wish to find total annihilation of fear.

We see kids have no fear, we see insane people have no fear. What is the thing that make them so? They have one thing in common, and that is the incomplete of "self".

Through time when i slowly discover the essence of one self, i understand that fear, is not something to conquer, but to understand. To understand one self, to understand those around you, and ultimately to understand everything in this world. Once understanding developed, fear no longer become your enemy, but a mirror of one self.

Who you are is what your fear, and you fear who you become.

    Time passes really fast, and the brink of 2009 is just right in front of us. Start with a bang, ends with a bang too, with the final movie before 2009, Avatar.
    Has been a long time since i was amazed by such a detail work of animation, modeling and textures. Everything was done to the details. I mean, illuminating jungle floor on contact, .big gunship, reincarnation of the my favorite mecha from The Matrix, Da Vinci Original ornithopter design to living animal; all these can show us just how much research and small little Easter egg in the movie. Of course, no bad guys can be more show off then the that major general in the movie.
    Called my supervisor today, checking out and confirming my working time and dress code on duty. And i do happy to receive the news. Work time based on project, means no work = holiday. Dress code = my usual wear~~~ now that's save me lots of cash! Still not sure about the pay though... might not even have a dime.... and my working time just been notified to be at the middle of January, means a few day for R&R. Of course i get odd work hour as traveling is essential for my job, as crew of the production period. Travel to outstation is almost a must for every job, but at least i get to see all the mega project in Malaysia or better, foreign country with the expenses of project budget. I, am the first intern that work here too. I do hope i can start work soon, but maybe just have to be there for a general meet up with the people, no work yet to be pass down. Think I'll be on a trip to the office next to check out the place but i won't be there most of the time due to the working nature. Awkward? I know, but this is the first time in industry standard.
    Of course, my phone that done it's service for many year have finally retired, with a new phone. Nokia 6303 classic, solid and reasonable feature. At least now i don't have to bother with sms limit of 20, sudden battery out, people talking me into changing a phone or so. Bought it because i do not want to have bad image for having a broke down phone at work, especially internship. Still not familiar with all the new stuff, but i'll manage in time. There goes most of my saving too.... Hope it worth the dough...
    Year 2009, chaotic and kinda help me in confirming my priorities. University is just a place for you to learn, not for examinations. I learn not to take other impressions of me too seriously, i am what i am. I was never intended to be in the crowd, i was always the odd out just like most of my closer friends. And that is what make us stand out in the society. Succeed, we are achiever, fail, we are the deviance. My values are just different from the norms, as said that Aquarius always lives in a wrong time at the wrong place. I just hope that i can find more companions that shares the same values as me. Kinda decided to maintain single status till i finish my University life, as having a partner is just really not a nice timing right now, and plus i do not think i can handle any relationship yet, financially, physically and mentally. Leave all this worries aside, i might actually be better off.
    2010, what year is this gonna be... wondering and hoping for a productive year and please give me all the cash i need for my fees and a new com... i really need one... to continue with all the stuff i left off...
    Predator signing off....

    終於換了佈景, 換上可愛的猫咪佈景. 看上去一黑一白的貓咪, 想像著這裡的標題, 兩種精神的共存, 其實還蠻適合的. 存在心里的黑與白之間的掙扎, 述說了我的故事.
    一個靜靜又忙碌的學期來到了結尾. 時間證明了, 自己一直都不是屬於這裡的吧? 我並不是一個活在這個時代的人, 實在跟所謂的現代人相差太多的想法. 有人可能會說我刻意遠離人群, 但是的卻是事實, 思想的代溝查太多了. [
    這樣的代溝, 其實也幫助了我自己認清楚自己的想法. 我, 不是一個能呆在一個一陳不變的地方. 或許說, 我喜歡新鮮的時間, 喜歡改變, 喜歡進步. 太悠閒的地方, 不適合我. 充滿挑戰的地方, 才是我要的. 害怕著壓力, 害怕著挑戰, 害怕著努力的地方或人們, 都不會是屬於我的地方. 或許這是為什麼我比較喜歡跟老一輩的人交談吧? 因為我總能獲的不錯的經驗.
    心裡兩種精神的矛盾, 有時候很難抉擇. 嚴格的對待某件事情, 會引來後輩的討厭. 隨隨便便的做, 又對不起自己努力. 好人難做, 努力的人更難做, 努力的好人更難. 好人跟'大家認為的好人'