sad but not so sad
it's a complicated day. why? because, i laughed, i frowned, i was disappointed, i felt sad, i felt hopeful.
I frowned:
because i think i was needed to account for something that i seriously think it wasnt my fault, i really see no reason why to be drilled for that. yes, you can drill me. but not on everything and anything. and sorry, i havent felt affected at the things you thought i've "kena-ed" from you. i was affected by my very obvious blunders, yes. the "kena" was more of like "ok noted. i wont make the same mistakes anymore (cos i dont know that's your style of working prior, why should i be affected?). dont quite appreciate that you spelt it all out in your group chat with them, leaving a possibility to lead people to think that im damn useless. really, it didnt "kena" me AT ALL. however, i was instructed to keep words within the office. ha, you're doing your mini broadcasting. WOAH.
my neighbour told me that you usually would treat the other member drastically better when the other screws up. nope, didnt hit me too. well, i dont know if i will still be able to stay cool if it was someone else sitting beside me tho. HA. thank goodness for jenn. she's basement 18. i doubt anyone will be as mean as she is. so if that's what my new boss is trying to achieve, then nope.
OR, if she really dislikes me now, i cant help it too.
cos personally i can answer to myself. i done you no wrong. if you can draw the line well.
I was disappointed and sad:
Uncle is barely making it. but that side is still not agreeable to me visiting him. i really DONT UNDERSTAND what do they gain from going against a dying man's wish. and what have i done wrong? just because we are not the "by right", we should be treated this way? and fret not, if they are the ones who are dying, i wont give a shit. so, i have never intended to visit them at all! The mindset is unhealthy, it's really sad that I'm tied to them in blood relation. pui. Disappointed because, the Dad, the Father, the Man of the family, didn't speak up for us and allowed us to be stepped upon. Got on the cab, was already on my way, then say, HEY, YOU DONT HAVE TO COME.
well, it's ok then, though i was mad too.
I laughed and felt hopeful:
then proceed to have dinner with polymates and lecturer (and wife). haha, reminiscing the past is such a happy thing to do! we talked, we thought back, we laughed. Always felt hopeful after talking to Dr Chia. thanks cher. im lucky to have met you too! it was soooo funny when i brought up the transition metal project we did, i wanted to say we did manganese. but it came out as magnesium, slipping away from the chance of mispronouncing it as MAGNUM. haha. stupid.
after the events have settled down, i need to enrol for a degree soon. time to check out on bank loans, get things started and move on. yes, i made silly unexplainable blunders at work. but i still dont think that little of myself. i believe i can achieve more. and im sure with more effort (pumping in process), i will learn a lot from her (IF SHE COMMUNICATES BETTER).
as we conclude over dinner, lousy results at DCP only further affirms my incapability in chemistry field, and helped me firmly strike-off LAB in my list. which is good! not being able to excel in chemistry doesnt stop me from doing well in other fields. The restless candle wick got lighted up again.
i spent too much time on someone and not on myself. good thing someone isn't responding to me now, im not so distracted now.
need to get all these done before 30:
i tried not to be too greedy....
cos im still keeping one last wish hidden under the rock. i hope we can fix the ship i've wrecked. i dont want us to be strangers. but, i dont wanna force you too. if all else falls, i just wish for you to be healthy, and genuinely happy.

Sealed (Jun 30)









