August 22, 2013

I dont feel good too

With all the apparent blunders done intentionally (actually no) or unintentionally, I dont feel good about it too. So I deserved to be scolded. I didnt dare to cry out loud (not literally), but I couldnt contain the negative feeling that's biting me. 

That said, boss wont take my words for any assurance as it doesnt weigh anything to her with all my stupid bad records. And it takes time to build up the trust. 

I also dont want people to think that my personal matters are affecting my work. And the more I dont want boss to regret asking me over. Amidst all these, I feel shitty. Very very very shitty. Everyday im telling myself to work better so I can start afresh. And i havent got better for the past 3 months...Im beginning to lose faith in myself. Dear God, can reinstall that in me? Im a lousy contractor. But with Your excellent craftsmanship, may there be a better me. 

But on the other hand, im letting go something else fine now. Seeing you in a bad day gives a little perk up. Certainly I wont feel nothing when they were enjoying each other's company but it has been reduced to something I could contain. Give it a little more time I guess I will do even better. So, that's what people mean by, getting out. 

I guess when im totally out, the special will still remain special. But in another way, i believe. 

And the stupid durian thing. haha. i meant to be nice and treat everyone though i have to admit that the initial thought was to only treat her, but it didnt feel too good when everybody starts to return me money and A said C insisted that A pays me. Which C kinda said A insisted in paying for her. 

question: then why can't i pay for C's share? $15 isn't that much.....

you guys may mean well. but no one spared a thought for me. i still can afford a treat. im no beggar yet. 

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Personal Category: Vivien的胡言亂語 Topic: feeling / personal / murmur
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