March 23, 2012

Lost of Direction

Dear dairy,


 

well, right now, is 145am, 23 march 2012...


 

the 100 days countdown is reached... its ok 20 march 2012 which is passed already without my notice, and thats my motive too...


 

im disappointed because, she never msg me after the birthday wish, so i guess its a no, well i guess again, nothing much i can do... i give up on her now, officially...


 

despite of those things making me down, depress... luckily now im feeling better, and in the way of recovering...


 

sometimes, i feels im very useless... eventhough people praise me how good am i, i dont feel great at all... the achivement bring no happiness and excitement to me...


 

i dont know why, i fall in love being closed in a room... i doesnt feel happy when communicate with people.. just want to stay alone... 


 

i feel peaceful and safe when im alone... 


 

hehe, luckily the feel of killing myself is already gone... i no longer wanted to do that, i still have manythings i want to do, many place i want to visit, and many yummy things to eat n try ^^


 

read about LIFE, if this is my life, how am i going to live, is my problem right? why do people always wanted to follow the steps, study, graduate, work, marry, have children, buy house buy car, buy this and that, then old, then die...


 

i study and graduate so i equip myself to work or generate money, so i have some money to spend, do i need a career? i just want a job which can kill sometime and generate some money in the same time... why do i need a house where now i had a place to stay, why do i need to buy a car where as i could borrow or i have a car to drive... why must i get marry to have children, sense of achievement in life? 


 

i feels like im so hopeless... im so useless... im so soft to myself that little things already makes me crazy, cant take stress, cant do things seriously, and i never serious b4, and i always ask myself why should i... make it simple and easy... but things always happen and the society doesnt works or able to absorb this kind of people in...


 

change it, i doesnt had the power... change myself to fit into the society? thats not the real me... at all...


 

the current job is so carefree... but short term, good enough, to have some exposure and some challenge feel, then, applied back a bank job, hmm... i just feels like i doesnt like to use my brain so much...


 

i dont know what i want...


babyvenus 

  

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