March 16, 2012

Lost Soul

Dear dairy,

now is 16 march 2012, 2pm...

something just crossed my mind, i wanted to write it down before i forget....

my guardian angel appear in my mind with a speech of 'Do not give up yourself again as you promised me to take good care of my existent in your soul.' 

again, i am about to lost my concious and self-destruction ... but wait... something strong, a power that i kept in protecting things like now ever happen again as i predicted years ago...

and now i used up one, not much left... thanks to this solar flare bloody hell, i have lost my mind... 

i am so depress and so sad till the extend of thinking to suicide again... again !! wtf... i doesnt want to lost my life right now, i still havnt seen what this dec 21 2012 yet...

okay... problem now is im in bipolar, and deep depression... 

but just now something blink for a moment, my mind seems like clear already...

right now im suppose on field working, but i dont know why the hell am i in my room sleeping? im damn hungry now i bet i didnt eat anything yet...

should i said im being consume by my other self that lost my conscious? now wait, i do know one day i will facing this problem, when im weak and the other try to take over something like tat... the evil energy in me...

talk about it now i seems im clear and energy, power is back, in control... its like i was being sleeping for almost three month... god damn it, i saw a chart on my desktop...

almost 100 days, today is no 96th day since that day i recorded... what the hell had been happen all this days...

wait, i remember i had a new gf, i changed my job, im not into sales but it seems like im enjoying it, my other self, yes, you did it darn it.... 

ow my internal conflict... luckily i still didnt do anything wrong yet, just that switching job type is a totally well, i cant stand it...

it retreat and now dump back to me... i dont know since when i lost my self to this evil force...

err instead of saying date, i feels that im more of a friend for this girl... didnt really kiss or hug also... hmm, am i a jerk? i think so... but well, she seems like a good girl also, just abit weird... yea i dont know what else i could use, this word weird suits her... well... 

my senses, is not really in working condition... my brain is pain, i never had migraine before but now, i feels minor pain from time to time... i guess i should thank SUN !! your foolish flares is destroying me...

this flares gave two forces, either drain or empower... i guess the evil force just to use this to empower the evilness in me... 

thank god, thank you guardian angel, you had empower me again and now, im in control...

i just did shits to this current job i guess im going to drop it... i cant survive since its not my cup of tea...

wait, something is not right... something is changing and i cant identify what is it, but i guess is a turning point again in my life...

i will go for it, and try this new job ahead of me...

plan, no use since its already done years ago...

execution is quite hard i would like to highlight... where does all my energy gone... is been drained... 

for a two weeks time i didnt express because of that stupid flare on the 9th march...im lost myself, totally...

am i ok now, not at all but at least, in my heart, theres a warm energy flowing, that keeps my mind clear for this moment...

thank god!! amen, thank buddha for the blessing, thank you for all the spirits that empower me and taking good care of me when im outside.

jesus !! i am about to throw myself out again, fuck... what am i thinking just now... omg...

i wanted to thank the holy bibles and the necklace ball, this three item gaves me power, to wake me up...

jesus... what a nightmare... 

i need more meditation and prays...

babyvenus


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