Although I know none of you read, or know of, this blog, I'd like to thank you.
So, Thank you, those that asked me: Are you even allowed to have this much fun during this time?
Thank you, Karine, for giving me a new purpose, a project work on, to distract me in the first place; which, then, in turn led me to discover the wonderful new way of thinking, of what he has been trying to tell me, sometimes you just have to leave things alone and let it be. It'll work itself out. Dont be too stiff and unwilling to let it go, that'll only make things worse.
I hugged you that night because I missed us. That night reminded me of the great partners and companions that we are to each other. I missed us.
I need to be away, I need to be somewhere that doesn't remind me of infidelity, and of lies. Somewhere the pictures dont mock me with smiles, and somewhere I know I'm safe from your poking and everything else that shouldve been put on hold, like our relationship. Somewhere I can just be myself, without you. Somewhere I can actually, really, entirely, leave this alone until next week. Somewhere that I can move on.
Just leave me alone. Everyone. All the proposals, the confessions, the flowers, the candies, and everything else. If only love were that cheap, I wouldnt be here in the first place. If only it were that rational, we would all be in a much easier place. I dont know how many of you still read, I dont think I havent had a visitor to this blog since like a year ago, I hope you all, or some of you, somehow still do, because I dont know how to tell people that genuinely care for me to leave me alone. I'm sorry. I love you all for the great friends that you are, I do. But whoever I love, whoever I date, whoever I decide to be with, I want that to just be a private decision. I can't take all the publicity and open scrutiny.
Yes it's stupid, yes I'm scared, yes I'm wondering, and yes to all your other questions and concerns. I can't explain it either, so please stop asking me to. Please stop asking me to rationalize my decisions. Please stop trying to make me see who loves me more. Please stop harassing me about wearing the ring. Please stop asking me why. Please stop everything and just let me be.
I dont want to plot out my escape route, I dont want to line up guys that will replace him when things dont work out. Just because someone else did it doesnt mean I have to do the same. It's not me. And please stop trying to make me think that way just because it's "safe." It's not safe, it's cruel. It's hurting everyone involved.
My free sessions with Len ended on Friday, and it marked the end of my month of being a sponge.
Over the past four weeks, I had sessions with Len every Friday at 4pm, got session homework, read Ask And It Is Given and the Astonishing Power of Emotions, reflected on the wise statements that Len made, and thought about my life. And then repeat next week. I was constantly looking at my life, trying to be self conscious of my emotions, and searching for ways to improve. And every week I was given new tools to practice with, new thoughts to ponder on, and new homework to guide me in the right direction.
Over the past four weeks, I had also gone through a break up, a make up and several complications, two computer science projects, several novels, and two midterms. There was much tears and frustration. And, strikingly, equal amount of smiles and laughs.
When I saw those texts, my first instinct feeling was gasp -> betrayed -> hurt -> powerless and small. And then I got stuck at feeling small.
Questions: why was he disregarding my feelings when he clearly knows how I feel about this? Does he just not care how I feel or does he just care for her too much to care about how I feel? And then I got past these, because they are unimportant - it already happened, does it really matter what the reason or his motive? I say no. So more questions, but on another level is: am I willing to put up with this?
And then I realized, While I'm open to changing my ways and adjusting to the way that he needs to be loved, which required a lot of personal space for growth and for relaxing, I'm not willing to compromise at the expense of me not feeling loved. I have learned a long time ago that different people experience love in different ways. Or at least I learned this idea a long time ago. I have only started *trying* to apply it in real life, I am trying to love the person that I care for in the way that would make him feel loved. I realize that I may feel neglected, or slightly upset in the process, but I'm learning to cope with it. I'm willing because I care and I understand that these are what he deserves.
Continuing reading "Ask And It Is Given" has enlightened me.
At the beginning, I was confused, and somewhat frustrated at the book. I was eager to find out how can I become a better person through these coaching sessions with Len and reading this book. But all I got were ideas - about What we are, Where we are, and How we are what and where we are. The authors talked about the Universe being a vibrational universe. About us being Vibrational Beings. About how we are here to be at the Leading Edge of Consciousness. All this was strange to me, and as Len correctly suspected, I was skeptical.
As an engineer, I think I've become costumed to following instructions steps by steps, and most of all, logical thinking. None of what this book was saying was logical to me. I felt like it was preaching something to me. Something that can't be explained, instead simply needs to be believed; and I was having a hard time doing it without any proof other than Len (and the authors) telling me that "It is Law."
Starting the coaching sessions with Len is both a blessing and a curse. I learn a tremendous amount of things every Friday, and I also see the tremendous amount of room that I have for improvement. While I'm eager to be the best that I can be, I have to learn to slow down and give myself some more time. As Len pointed out, I'm a very rushed person. I always try to get the most I can get done in the shortest amount of time. This strategy has worked well for me, I thought. But as I start her homework to consciously breathe slowly every once in a while, I realized that I can do exactly what I've been doing, at a much slower and more relaxed pace. And who wouldnt want a relaxed life?
From talking to Len and from my own reflecting, and also from my understanding of myself, I am someone that can't stand loneliness. I like being with people, even if we may run out of things to talk about, I like the company just the same. But when this fear of loneliness gets out of hand (apparently it did with my boyfriend), I become a control freak that just wants to be together all the time, neglecting the fact that he needs his own space, and so do i. Len has made me see that there are things in life you have to do for yourself, even when others don't want to come along. You need to discover your life, you need to find out who you are. And these are the things that you owe to yourself to find out. And if you're lucky enough, someone would want to accompany you on your journeys, but if not, that's fine, you still need to go. I loved her metaphor: it's like seeing a movie that none of friends want to see, you'd still go see it, just alone, and that's fine.
To materialize that metaphor, I actually saw a movie alone because everyone else thought it was the stupidest thing (it was dorky, but adorable by the way.) And half way through the movie while I was laughing at a nerdy joke, the guy next to me, who was also alone, laughed too. We looked at each other and had what seems like a moment of understanding. I was having fun watching the movie, and I met someone that also enjoyed it. I dont know if this is stretching it a bit, but I feel like I learned something during the movie - it was like an extension of the coaching session with Len: dont be afraid to go to see a movie alone because no one else wanted to see it, sometimes you meet new people because youre away from the old ones. And even if you dont, you've enjoyed yourself. Win win :D