昨天还偶尔动一动， 有心跳， 有呼吸的。。。 今天却是一动也不动， 没心跳， 没呼吸的躺在我的眼前。 爷爷走了。。。 以后再也看不到他了。爷爷的离开， 对我来说， 是一个很大的打击。。。 这是我第一次感受生离死别。。。
当我赶回家的时候， 爷爷的呼吸和心跳已经停了。 爷爷就冷冰冰的躺在房间里。 我冲进房里看他， 让他知道我回来看他了。 当时的我， 真的忍不住地大哭。 但是， 奶奶和爸爸叫我别哭得那么大声， 会吓到爷爷的魂魄。我冷静下来之后， 靠近的叫他。 当我靠近爷爷的时候， 我看到的是爷爷的眼睛并没有完全关上。 当时的我， 真的希望是他们全部人搞错了， 爷爷并没有离开。
因为爷爷常常就爱睡觉。 潜意识里， 我真的告诉自己说爷爷眼睛不是还开着吗？ 他只是躺在床上而已。 但是， 事实真的是如此。 哥哥带着死亡证书回来了。 这让我不得不相信残酷的消息。 后来我想了一想， 可能是因为爷爷想看到所有的人才离开吧。。。 他走的样子很安祥。。。
我哭了大半天。 哭了又停， 停了又哭。 我的眼泪就这样断断续续的。。。 哭得最伤心的时候是当要封棺的时候。 因为当那块木材一盖上后， 我就永远、永远再也看不到爷爷了。 封棺前， 我告诉自己说我一定要把爷爷的脸刻在我心里面。 我要我以后， 在思念爷爷的时候， 我闭上眼睛就可以记得爷爷的脸。 我不知道随着时间的流失， 我会不会把爷爷的脸淡忘。 但我希望， 我能记多久， 就多久。
到了旁晚， 我的眼泪才终于才稍微停了。 我想， 我的眼泪会停了下来， 可能是因为我感觉到爷爷不想我为他哭得那么的难过吧。 或许， 也可能因为我已经接受了爷爷永远离开我们的事实了。 但是， 偶尔看见爷爷的遗物或想起爷爷在我小时候， 疼我的画面后， 我又会稍稍的流下几滴眼泪。
现在的我， 正在为爷爷守灵。 奶奶， 爸爸， 哥哥和大嫂叫我今晚要休息。 可是我真的很想、 很想为爷爷至少守第一天的灵。 这是我想对爷爷做的最后几件事。。 。
There was still breathings and pulse yesterday. Once in awhile, there was still movements. Today, he just lie there with no movements, no breathing and no pulse right in front of me. Grandpa left us... I would not be able to see him in the future ever again... It's a great setback for me to see grandpa leaving me like this. This is also my 1st time to feel what's life and death.
Grandpa already do not have any pulse and breathing when i reached home. He was inside the room, lying on this bed. I rushed in to let him know that i'm back home to see him. I really can't stop myself crying hard. Granny & dad calmed me down, telling me that if i cry that hard, i will scare grandpa's soul. After calming down, i went near grandpa and called him. When i got nearer to grandpa, i saw his eyes wasn't closed 100%!!! At that moment, i really wished that everyone had told me the wrong thing.
Sleeping was grandpa's favorite past-time / hobby. That's why, at the moment when i see grandpa's eyes wasn't closed 100%, the 1st thing that comes to my mind was, grandpa is just lying on his bed. He had not leave us. After 5 mins, bro came back with the death cert. With this prove on his hand, i can't deceive myself anymore. Thinking back, i think i know why wasn't closed 100%. Maybe he wanted to see everyone before he leaves. However, i'm glad that he actually left us looking so peacefully...
Today, i cried for at least more than half a day. I stopped for awhile and i started to cry again... The time when i cry real hard is when they were to about to close the coffin. Cos i know that once they closed the coffin, i will never never never see grandpa ever again. Therefore before they cover the coffin, i told myself that i must, and have to carve grandpa's facial features deep into my heart. I wanted myself to be able to remember grandpa's face whenever i close my eyes, whenever i missed him. I don't know if the facial features of grandpa's will get blurer and blurer over the years or not. But i wish that the longer, the better.
When it's evening time, my tears stopped; but not completely. I think the reason why my tears stopped because i can sense that don't want me to feel so up-sad about his leaving. Or maybe i had accepted the fact that grandpa had left us already. At times when i see the belongings that grandpa left behind, and times when i'm young, the way he dote me let me drop my tears again.
I'm now at my house's void deck to keep grandpa accompanied. Everyone asked me to rest tonight. But i don't want to. Cos i really wished that i can at least keep grandpa accompanied for the 1st night. This is one of the few things that i can do for grandpa already....
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