October 4, 2010

__

so once upon a time there's this girl.
she aspired to be independent and fearless while she ran
at night to lose weight to lose reality to lose herself.
the pain she found was not only in the muscles of her thighs not only in the scars of her arm
but also burning deep in her chest
when she tried to breathe tried to make sense of it all.
over and over they told her to write to eat to live
she laughed at the idea that she used to enjoy all three.
she's counting calories she's counting math problems
she's counting the hours until sunrise until school
she's counting the years months days before she can be rid of this all.

she has a boyfriend a family and friends she wished she gave two cents' worth about.
she found it pathetic that she used to hate the things around her but now she just hates herself.
she didn't know about the anger that had been growing until it revealed itself in the midst of nights in flashes that seared the back of her hands and when it came she could only close her eyes and savor it because she still doesn't know how to deal she wants to be strong but she's just
not
mature
enough.
shamefully she imagines calling up all the people she thought she loved.
shamelessly she imagines that if she screamed "i thought i loved you" at those people everything will become better.



nobody believes in her anymore.
nobody tries to make it a secret.
nobody catches her fall--
let's just sit back, watch her collapse and destroy herself.












because who needs sleep when you have espresso shots and shit to be mad about.
still fucking great here, baby.

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