Happy Once Again
It's 5am and I'm feeling so lighthearted.
Never mind the fact that my days now begins at noon and ends around this time.
Things do get better.
Never mind the fact that my situation hasn't changed much, but rather how I react to everything.
Perhaps I'm just so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired with insomnia and if not insomnia, nightmares each night.
But the fact is, I have made a positive progress in the situation I was in.
Last night I laid awake, turning the thought of you in my head, side to side, hung upside down and thrown out after an epiphany.
How someone could be so great, yet so flawed. I saw myself in someone else's eyes, and saw why they had behaved so erratically at times.
Why they lied and felt so ashamed at times. It's because I'm so young, idealistic and full of expectations. Either way, we're both flawed and yet so great. I thought, "You're just a human being," quite sleepily and that's all I ever really wanted. I just want someone human to me.
These days has been filled with warmhearted greetings as I work in the food industry. In response, I get positive greetings as well and so on to positive filled conversations. I like people. Unknowingly, the people that comes through the restaurants has always been a support system, a source that I draw. Jeezes, I just want to be happy, and meeting new people makes me happy. God knows if I'm by myself, I find myself fiddling the day away, reading the news and books, because I want to be so adult. I want to be taken seriously, I want to learn as much as I can, so then I may be a well informed citizen. I want to succeed as a contributing member of society. It was until today I thought in a hot shower, "I'm just a kid still," and I'm tired. Never the less, I'm going to cherish these times. You never know how privileged you are till you lose it all, then regain it.
I have a job, school, time to read for leisure and exercise... I have friends, even if they are not in Seattle. As I received a text message the other night, asking if I had felt any better about life. This was after we had spoken a couple of weeks ago.
I'm going to say this now. You do matter and what you do does matter. A friend who had kept me in his thoughts and checked up on me weeks later, hoping I was feeling better. That, actually made me feel better in itself.
I also often wonder, if the people I thought about, know that I often think of them... Of course not. I, feel flatter when people think of me. I'm just me and don't quite understand why I would be very important to anyone. But if someone is important to me then it's possible I am to someone else. The people I often think about, the things I often think about. Hawai'i, school, work and you. I miss you, I miss you but I'll continue to believe everything is alright. Even if it has been months, years since we've spoken. I'll keep believing that when we meet again, that it'll be with open arms and joy.
Currently song: When Did Your Heart Go Missing? by Rooney
