愛．．．

As you all know, I'm a proud Hottest~~So when I found out that 2PM won the BEST MALE GROUP and ARTIST OF THE YEAR, I could never have been happier for the boys ^^ Even though they only debuted for a year, but they've already gained a lot of popularity. When I saw Wooyoung cry, I started crying too....Watching the boys cry really broke my heart. Their acceptance speeches were beautiful...Even mentioned Jay...I hope Jay can come back soon Q-Q Wooyoung smiled so little throughout the whole thing T^T -Tainted

Honestly, I'm a bit disappointed in some VIP's. No offense, but now I'm just proud to be a Hottest and that's all. You know what happened? Do you?
I posted this article about GD smoking on bakablog and put some of my opinions on there. I was worried about GD's health and you know what I got called? A bitch, by 3 people. All of them telling me to mind my own life and to "fuck off". Excuse me? Oh, so you're telling me that you'd like to hear one day that GD died of cancer, is that it? Haha, some fan you are. Man, I really would like to talk to them face to face about exactly what makes up the difference between a "fan" and a "VIP". Seriously. Don't swear at me just because you love him so much you'd rather him have his way and die rather than worry about his health. It's the same thing as telling someone you love them but let them commit suicide anyways. Hello?? Anybody there in that empty brain of yours?? Oh, I think I hear an echo. Wow. I am extremely disappointed in the world. No lie. I think the only people who can make me smile is 2PM. The only thing that's missing is Jay. Another reason why I'm disappointed in the world. Hello?? JYP promoting family yet he kicks Jay out for money? I guess it's money before family afterall. Strange how nothing really good comes out of this situation either. 2PM won't last long if they continue like this. In the end, Jay loses his musical career, the rest of the boys have the present glory and attention, but they won't last long. And the person behind all this, in charge of pulling all the strings and decisions, loses nothing. He even dares to promote himself? AND create a new boy group? Are you kidding me?
Thinking about all these things is enough to make me want to kill someone. Preferably those people who showed DISRESPECT. The world lacks love and respect. Hottests understand. That is why I doubt I'll consider myself a VIP anymore. All I am met with is disrespect. Well, fuck you too, bitch.

I'm sorry today was such a horrible day. I'm really glad you didn't make it that big of a deal and tried to cheer me up. Even though we hardly talk, and even though I disappoint you often, I still love you very much. I hope you and mom don't divorce. I want our family to be like this forever.
Back in the days, there was more laughter and innocence in our family. There were no complications. Friday night was our game night. We would play family games with grandma, grandpa, Aunt Katy and Alex...I miss it very much. I'm happy when you smile, dad. It eases the tensions we're feeling right now. So much stress...
I hope that there will be a time when I no longer disappoint you, so that you can be happy and smile more. I'm really really sorry.

Fuck. I give it up. I give up trying to communicate with my parents.

I hate myself. Why did I have to do that? I knew I shouldn't have. Yet I went ahead and pissed my parents off on my dad's birthday. The weekend is ruined because of my stupidity. I don't deserve to live. I'm a horrible daughter. I should just sew my mouth together. Just over a Japanese project, how I'm taking too long to finish it. I got ticked off and started spouting out crap and treated my mom horribly. I don't respect my parents. I wish I could. I want to. But why can't I? Is there something wrong with me? Why can't I just be a normal person with and do things normally? I don't deserve anybody's love. I should just go die.
-Tainted

It hurts. I don't know why. But it hurts right here, right now. As I listen to 2PM's new songs, a wave of sadness washes over me. I can only close my eyes and let my fingers dance across the keyboard as I tap my feelings away into an electronic device, and send it out into a world that could care less how I feel. The rest of the world passes by, talking and laughing, as I sit here alone with my thoughts. I can't even pinpoint exactly what I'm feeling, whether it's nostalgia, sadness or just bittersweet emotions swirling inside my chest. I feel like.....there's a bubble trapped inside my chest. Standing at the edge of a cliff, the waves crashing on the dark rocks below in the dark churning water, I want to let out a scream. Just to get this feeling out in the open. It's like I'm being suffocated with all these feelings stuck in my throat. Frustration is added to the mix when I can't describe my emotions clearly. It's just a feeling with no real definition, not enough words in the english language to logically describe it. Just like a rainbow thrown in a blender. What color is it? I don't know, black, brown, a dirty color. One that messes with my mind.

Today was not the Music Banks comeback stage for 2PM, but tomorrow is. They did perform today as well, though, at the "Oh Good!" concert. It wasn't streamed online, since it was a concert, but I just saw some of the photos taken...I have to say, that frowns don't look good on them. Plus, the reality of losing Jay is even stronger than before. Watching the mv, I was hoping it was all a lie, and that when they perform it on stage, Jay would suddenly appear and start singing the rap, do some flips, etc. It feels so....empty....watching them perform with only 6 people on the stage. It just feels so off, so wrong... 2PM will always be 7. I felt sick after watching the mv. Their theme is vampire...and they looked so serious...It felt as if there was suddenly a distance between me and 2PM. It all seemed so foreign and strange...

Will it be official? Tomorrow 11/12, 2PM, no, 6PM will be having their comeback on Music Bank starting at 7PM. They will be performing Heartbeat and probably I Hate You. Many fans are interested in their performance. Personally, I'm really curious about how they're going to perform too. Even though I'm supporting the boycott, watching their MV dance moves as well as the fact that IHY was when Jay was there makes me really nervous. Something's going to happen. It feels like it. Good or bad? I don't know yet. I'm just hoping Jay comes back soon :(
-Tainted

What does your heart beat for?
Listen to my heart beat.
Mine beats for the day I achieve my dream. And until I am able to grasp my dream, my heart will never stop beating.

I'm serious this time. I can't concentrate on anything. I get distracted easily...what's wrong with me? Do I have ADD or something?
Is there some problems with me? Now I feel like I'm talking to myself, great. I catch myself calling myself Tainted, Pure or Mel....what!?
I don't know...ahhhh I'm not even making sense to myself in my own head. = =

Yang Yoseob's cover of "Still With You" [must watch!]

it's good, right?

Haha

I know this is supposed to be my "happy blog" but seriously, it just feels like everything is slipping down again. Just when I thought that maybe things will get better sooner or later, it hasn't.

This is a new group that debuted recently~ At first, I didn't think much of them, but after their album came out and I listened to it, it's actually pretty good :D

Jay,

How are you doing these days? Are you eating well? I'm looking up at the same sky as you are. This makes me feel closer to you than we actually are. Miles apart, across the ocean. I miss you a lot. I don't think you will ever see this, but if you ever do, I just want you to know that you mean the world to me. I just want to see you again, soon.

It's a feeling I've always felt. The feeling of being let down. It's really anti-climatic...if you get what I mean. I mean I had this expectation going on, and you can't really blame me. It wasn't a high expectation either. I wouldn't even call it an expectation because I thought it was a courtesy. I probably shouldn't be making such a big deal out of it, but i was hoping for a change for the better? I mean...this is the last year. One chance. Who knows when the next time we'll meet will be?

I look back and I think to myself, if only I could turn back time. Or better yet, set my own future. I wish I could just go past all this, forget about it, move on and achieve my dream. I don't want to be here. I want to see the world, educate myself. But honestly, I really miss it all.