September 19, 2010

I can't stop trying to decipher my life

I know it's boring for readers hence 0 comments, but the whole point of this blog is for me to rant and post things that I need to get out there but don't necessarily want people to know.

Things I feel:
1. anger is when attachment doesn't get what it wants
2. I get angry because someone isn't willing to do what I am willing to do for them
3. I am incredibly dependent on being 'special' and 'upheld' in someone's eyes- I need to be looked at in a certain way, even if it's by imaginary eyes. Call me a dreamer- whatever.
4. the future seems a great stage to relive the past, repaint it, change it. I can't believe I think that. But the past is alive and makes me who I am and I want it. Oh I want it so badly, I miss it. And hence the present flies past me and the next moment I will be trying to relive and recall the past moment. Silly but can't help it.

Crisis about existence. Just a little bit of a crisis. I always thought I was born to live a special life, different. But it seems I am doing all the things others have done before. There's nothing new to be done under the sun. Call me an ungrateful fool who takes things for granted. Oh what a load of rubbish in my head. Spin me round and round and round.

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