September 11, 2010

No Shoulder to Cry On

I spent a good hour crying yesterday.
Woke up to cold grey gloomy morning, didn't pack an umbrella because didn't think it'd actually rain. Wore canvas shoes, had stockings on. It rained. Wet shoes, wet feet, enough to set me off already.

Lecture was on pain but my biggest pain then was sitting through the lecture.
My mum needs a spinal operation. I'm really apprehensive about it. I keep imagining things going wrong but at the core of me I know everything will be absolutely fine. I know that.

Saw Gen Ken on the way to the sociology tute. Ahh a familiar face. Someone who knows me. She asked me how I was in such a sincere way, I told her I wasn't good, my mummy is sick and needs a spinal operation and oh I am so worried and the tears just come and they don't stop. Gen hugs me and tells me she's so sorry. I am too, Gen, I am.

Once I start crying I can't stop. Burst out again in the tute and left. Saw Jess and cried to her. Rang Rachel. Cried. She seemed concerned enough.
When I saw her later on, she broke my heart. She appeared so disinterested. Sat with the grammar crew in Wintergarden. Rested my head on the back of a bin (elegant, I know), cried silently because maybe, just maybe, if I gave in and cried and let it all out, things can come crashing down in peace and I will be able to pick myself up and rebuild things again.

You might ask, well, what's wrong?  I am frightened to death about losing my mum because she is most important. There is guilt. She gave up everything for me to be here in a country I call home where I've got friends, an education, hobbies and a life (but does she call Brisbane home?) What has she done for herself? What about her dreams? Am I her dream? Did I shatter it when I so strongly refused to study medicine, did I shatter her only dream? When facing possible loss I always wonder if I could have done more. I love her more than anything.

Obviously there are also the old problems of feeling obliged to hang out with people I don't particularly like because they used to be my close friends. There is the old issue of feeling like I'm giving someone the world, prioritising them (him?), but it's all unrequited, all one-sided. I am still grieving for the illusions of friendship some have shown me.

People are oblivious to the pain. They are disinterested, they don't care, they don't feel it so why should they care? They think it's weak to cry so they are all afraid to. I'm not weak, just true to my feelings.

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