October 14, 2010

so.

Here's the thing: who cares? Relate our petty concerns and interests with the world (not our world) and you'll find that we are incredibly insignificant and as much as I try to make things matter more, nothing anchors them down with weight and all I can hear is the child inside me weeping.

Rosy- she breaks my heart. I look at her and I feel as though I myself am teetering close to the edge (and a sweet surrender to vertigo comes awfully close to lure me). I want to hold her and tell her that I wish I wish I wish for sunshine to warm all the world around her (her world) (and will you please help me reconcile with my awful awful losses) and oh please I want to hold her and sob until all the sadness held inside her (me) is washed away because rain will make the flowers grow. I want to tell her to 'hold on' but do I really want to say that to her or is it really for me? I want to hold her and comfort her (I want her to hold me because maybe she might understand). I want to tell her I only want the best for her, I wish her only the very best, I want her life to be well and good and lovely, I want her to be happy and smile like she means it and know that she is an incredibly beautiful person. Please.


October 1, 2010

I promise me

Milan Kundera once wrote that "The past is full of life, eager to irritate us, provoke and insult us, tempt us to destroy or repaint it. The only reason people want to be masters of the future is to change the past."
I try over and over to relive the past, to repaint it (in hope it might change it and make things better). I do it wrong every time though. And I am ever so sorry. So so sorry. One can't always be a dreamer. You can't live off the looks of imaginary eyes. You also can't depend on the eyes of just one person either. I need to learn.


September 21, 2010

one person I trust

what a difficult question. My two most wonderful girlfriends...I trust them with different things though. My mum, different again. God? Sometimes. Me? I believe in me most of the time except when I'm silly bahaha. Justinius is someone I trust but again, with different things to what I'd confess to my girlfriends.
Maybe I am sad enough that I don't have one person I completely trust. Maybe that's not a bad thing.


September 20, 2010

Day 9: two things I want to say

Right here this very moment:

1. I love you


September 19, 2010

3 words I can't use today

Here are three words I use every day.

love (according to a friend I throw that around too much, too casually. He doesn't even consider the possibility that I mean it)


September 19, 2010

I can't stop trying to decipher my life

I know it's boring for readers hence 0 comments, but the whole point of this blog is for me to rant and post things that I need to get out there but don't necessarily want people to know.

Things I feel:


September 18, 2010

four memories I won't forget

1. crawling on cold marble floor
2. Being terrified of the dark corridor during dinner in the apartment I used to live in
3. When I got my Licentiate diploma and Mr Holley congratulated me and hugged me


September 17, 2010

Day 6: 5 things you can't live without

1. healthy, working, wonderful senses...i.e. touch smell taste sight hearing :) They are so wonderful!
2. my piano and singing!
3. my home


September 16, 2010

time to move on

one thing I am happy to learn is to move on
I want to be a certain person. I try being that person, I really hope she comes across.
I love keenly, freely but I am not to be taken for granted. I want to be wise, sensitive, creative, eccentric, mature, caring, knowledgeable, lovable, patient, strong, desirable, have a beautiful heart.


September 16, 2010

Day 5: 6 songs that you're addicted to

1. Hey There Delilah
2. Someone to Watch Over Me
3. Sunday Mornings


September 15, 2010

seven things to win my heart

I'm easy to charm.

1. Courtesy, gallantry, and all those ladies-first things like holding the door open  (I realise some people think it's sexist)


September 14, 2010

Loved Ones

8 people I love (please let me put family down as just "family or else they take up top four):

1. Family


September 13, 2010

nine guilts

1. I am judgemental about some of my friends, I think I'm better than them but I am not (I'm quite a bitch)
2. I'm JEALOUS JEALOUS JEALOUS when the guy I like (I think) hugs and cuddles me while telling me about the girl he wants to ask out (what a poo he is!)
3. I can be cruel when I am impatient


September 12, 2010

Day 1: 10 things about yourself

Day 1: 10 things about yourself

Day 2: 9 guilts that you want to share.
Day 3: 8 people you love.
Day 4: 7 things to win your heart


September 11, 2010

No Shoulder to Cry On

I spent a good hour crying yesterday.
Woke up to cold grey gloomy morning, didn't pack an umbrella because didn't think it'd actually rain. Wore canvas shoes, had stockings on. It rained. Wet shoes, wet feet, enough to set me off already.


August 31, 2010

Moments like this

Moments that make me want to laugh out loud
disseminate my happiness to the world, to the universe
and hear the echoes.


August 28, 2010

kisses and jinxes

He kissed me. It was like butterflies on my face.
When he held me and my head fit perfectly on his shoulder, my face found warmth in the crook of his neck. He drew light circles on my arms, my back. My hand, on his back, could feel the steady beating of his heart. Doggie was white and fluffy as ever and he rested his head on my lap. The perfectness of how the three of us...just fit together washed me with waves of bitter happiness- why can't we just be in love with each other?


August 25, 2010

unchanging priorities

First and foremost: family. Always has been, always will be.
Second is my goals.


August 15, 2010

angelhood filled with sheep

best party last night. It was themed "heaven and hell" and I went in my white dress and white fluffy jacket. When Jesus (Shiromani) came she had a lamb toy in her pocket which she put in the hood of my jacket. Thus I got downgraded to sheep. But according to Mitch I was a hot sheep lol. Got seriously high with laughing, singing, dancing, kidding around.

I unashamedly cuddled my boy. People came by to ask if he was my boyfriend. We were both like, haha, no.


August 8, 2010

I don't mind it this way

Best friends. I finally found the relationship that provided logical explanations to our behaviour while together and it's so liberating.

Definitely more than an average friend beacuse I hug him and touch him and cuddle him way too much- to the extent that my other friend expressed uncomfortably "Isn't that what boyfriends do to girlfriends?".



unlog_NVPO 0