Everlasting Bygones

《依赖》，一首我偶然间在无名网站听到的歌，让我掉下了眼泪……因为深深被感动着，我把那首歌放成部落格的主题曲……陆陆续续，一直有朋友也对这首歌赞不绝口……

陳昱熙，这首歌的词曲创作人……虽然无缘与他见面，我却一直欣赏着他的才华，甚至曾经在他的部落格留言，冀望有一天他可以闯出属于自己的一片蓝天白云……

我好久没有更新自己的部落格了，日子一直很平淡，似乎失去了对生命的悸动……从没想过，可以给我灵感，让我重新敲打键盘的，竟然是陳昱熙的离开……我，再一次为这位陌生人掉泪了……

快半年了，没有再位谁伤过心，才刚以为自己升华了，这一刻却泣不成声……生命，为什么可以如此脆弱？他的歌声，疗过了多少人的伤，为什么自己却无法释怀？我无从得知让他选择抛弃一切的理由，心里有的是不舍、惋惜、难过，才24岁，就这么离开了……

有空的话，去他的部落格逛逛吧*http://www.wretch.cc/blog/the8die*……静下心来，好好感受他留下的音乐，一首首悠美的作品，是他存在过的见证……

生命的长短，也许由始至终都不重要；短短的24年，他用自己的理想，陪伴许多孤单受创的心灵度过了一个个难熬的辗转难眠……他，是如此的优秀……

加油吧！我曾经对你说过这句话。加油吧！我再次给你我的祝福。每当看到彩虹时，我都会想起你，因为你让我相信雨过天晴，狂风暴雨时，是那首《依赖》让我有了撑下去的勇气……谢谢你！

60 things most girls dont know
Guys hate sluts even though they have sex with them!
(oh yeah..you're not "popular" if you've slept with more than 6 guys..you're a HOE)

--"Hey, are you busy?" or "Are you doing something?" ~ two phrases guys open with to stop from stammering on the phone.

--Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.

--Before they call, guys try to plan out a little about what they're gonna say so there aren't awkward pauses, but once he's on the phone he forgets it all and makes it up as he goes.

--Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.

--Guys will do anything just to get you to notice him.

--Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend or ex love-interest. Unless they're goin for the let-her-complain-to-you-and-then-have-her-realize-how-wonderful-and-nice-you-are method.

--A guy who likes you wants to be the only guy you talk to.

--Boyfriends need to be reassured often that they're still loved.

I turned 21 on 12 Aug.. a day which signifies that i'll have total responsibility of myself.. i had an early bday dinner with a bunch of friends.. 25 of them.. they're ppl who never failed to prove their support n concern.. and i'm glad that i have them by my side all these while..

my parents, godmum, godsis and bro's gf came to australia on the day of my bday.. we had a dinner with my homestay family.. they're ppl who love me dearly.. without them, i don tink i can come this far..

I graduated on 15 Aug.. Finally, i got my Bachelor of Laws.. a paper that i've been waiting for 5 years.. an achievement that my parents have been expecting for 5 years.. i've fulfilled my dream of graduating before reaching 21..

i'm having my practical now.. exposed to the Real World of Law.. no more spoonfeeding.. no more pampering.. it's tough, but i have to adapt to it.. as it'll be MY LIFE for the rest of the years to come.. the amount of stress is HUGE, but it is motivating me at the same time.. i've put in a lot of effort to get my Law Degree, so i should savour every single moment that ticks by..

i changed my lifestyle.. out of necessity? or out of maturity? i dono.. but i believe that it's a good thing.. i get to noe more ppl, instead of restricting myself to the comfort zone which i was quite contented with before.. and that's when i came to noe him..

who is he? i don have much clue.. he's a Taiwanese.. a guy who kinda pampers me.. who actually amuses me with his sarcasm.. it's fun hanging out with him.. he has lotsa stories about Taiwan, a place where i can take a peep only from dramas.. he looks like a player.. but i was actually touched when he said, 'why can't u trust that i wana have a serious relationship with u?' how true is that? i have doubts.. he's a virgo, again.. sigh.. they're perfectionists, but don really noe what they want..

should i or should i not? it's hard.. they said i should give it a try.. my instinct tells me to stop before it's too late.. i m confused.. all i want is a relationship which is pure, sincere and true.. all i want is someone who can be with me for the rest of my life.. a wish that is so simple, yet so hard to be fulfilled..

should i? should i not? try, or stop? time will tell, i believe..

it has been around 2 wks plus since i got back from kch.. time flies.. i finished my 8 days intensive briefing for Legal Practical Course.. practical will be coming up next week.. and by then, it'll be a total new experience for me.. am i ready for it? i dono.. time will tell..

a lot of things happened recently.. more than i can tackle.. if it's not cause of my family and friends who love me with all their hearts, i seriously dono how the hell can i get out of the trauma..

someone who was once important to me, left my world when i was in kch.. someone who told me that we can work things out.. someone who promised that he would always be here.. someone who said that i'm the one.. someone who tried so hard to convince me that i shud give it a try.. and then, guess wad.. he left.. without a trace.. he left at the time when i thought i'm willing to open my heart and finally accept someone..

i'm not blaming him.. there's no right or wrong in this matter, he said.. i agree.. maybe it was so hard for me to move on because i did not try my best to show him how much i cared.. maybe my ignorance did hurt him badly when he was truly concerned bout me.. anyway, nothing matters anymore.. he has moved on, and i m glad tat things din work out between us.. because that was when i realised, we totally don suit each other.. there's a saying.. whenever something happens, it happens for a reason.. how true..

this is life, i guess.. ppl come and go.. and thr's nothing much u can do about it.. i've come across ppl who were deeply hurt in their relationships, ppl who hurt their loved ones badly and ppl who bargain their love.. what is love? nobody has the correct definition.. it's vague, ambiguous and for u to figure out..

i feel blessed to have all of u by my side, giving me everything i could've ever wished for.. thanks for listening n advising.. thanks for the effort to convince me that it's not worthwhile to shed tears.. thanks for giving me the attention and love.. i dare not wish for anything else, because i'm granted the best of everything dy.. loving parents, caring friends, and a loyal pet..

special thanks to:Ame, Jess, Small Tsai, Big Tsai, Xiu Qing, Grandpa, Fiona, Tze Ai, Glenda, Hui Ming, Leonard, Julia, Jessie, Ban Siang and Dennis..

p/s (1): special special thanks dedicated to Ame.. thanks for the clubbing marathon.. one down, two more to go.. cant wait for fri to come!! love u, babe!!

p/s (2): special special thanks dedicated to Jess.. thanks for all the calls and emails.. ur words r very much appreciated.. love u, sweety!!

life sucks nowadays.. sigh.. wat the hell is wrong with me? only few months ago, i was damn excited bout graduating.. at tat point of time, i was confident that this is gonna be my final sem..

yet.. as time goes by.. i realised that things are not as easy as they appear to be.. i m so stressed to the extent that i feel like giving up.. imagine tat? final sem dy, and i'm actually thinking of deferring ALL my subjects.. advanced, civil, evidence and real prop.. exams in 2 weeks time, assignment carrying 55% due in 1 week.. but, i dont even have the slightest idea of any of the subjects.. how the hell am i gonna pass my exams? darn!!!!!

i feel so helpless now.. is there anybody out there - i yelled.. the only thing that replied me is my own echo.. thr's nobody thr.. nobody at all.. how foolish i am to be having this thought? i have so many ppl around me.. my family, my pet, my homestay family, my mates in QUT, my friends in Malaysia and of coz, not forgetting Jess.. why am i stil feeling lonely deep down inside?

i m juz so confused and frustrated bout everything.. when i'm trying so hard to move on, the past keeps holding me back.. WTF???!!!! why cant i juz forget bout everything in my past? his past? her past? why the hell things have to be so complicated? why cant all of us turn back time? back to the time when everything is so neutral..

everyone said i have a strong personality, that i can take good care of myself.. the truth is, INDECISIVE is actually the best word to describe me.. i m so determined to move on.. more determined than ever.. yet, thr is a part of my heart, aching for him..
i shud appreciate wat i have now.. i really shud.. wat've i done to deserve everything granted to me now? its because i care, i mind tat i cannot give in 100%.. we're from 2 different worlds.. a heart that is shattered into pieces, doesnt have the ability to provide a love that is complete.. its juz so hard for things to work out..

ame, wat shud i do? i wanted so badly to take ur advice.. but, thr's so many things blocking my path.. every single step i took, i hurt someone.. every single word that came out, showed wat a selfish person i am.. oh god, when can all these confusions come to an end?

i strived so hard to reach here.. struggling to get my Law Degree.. yet, everything is in a mess now.. EVERYTHING.

so frustrated now.. my chinese star programme is stil not working.. everytime i open it, my comp hangs.. shit!! kek diok la.. and the worse part is, i m a total computer IDIOT!! don mention bout programming n stuff to me, i have NO IDEA.. so basically, either i have someone here to fix it for me, or i'll have to bring my laptop back to kch in june.. technology sucks!!

life is so hectic nowadays.. have to stay in uni for more than 8 hours everyday.. from sunrise til sunset.. so pathetic.. when thr's no lecture, i go to tute; when thr's no tute, i have to do research.. WTF??!! reading law is damn miserable, trust me.. argggghhh.. how the hell did i end up here?? god knows..

everyone's been telling me.. come on, this is ur final sem dy.. juz strive hard n u will struggle through.. oh well.. this sounds logical.. but the easier a theory is, the harder the practical is.. i m so fed up with my studies that i wana give up everything.. when i say everything, i mean everything.. wait.. except my family in Kuching, my godfamily, my family in Brisbane, my family in Perth, my buddies, my close friends, my beloved pet, the new suede boots that i juz got from Adelaide and tons of sumptuous fingers-licking-good food..

ok ok.. i m not willing to give up everything yet.. so, i guess i will have to bear with the stress thn.. sigh.. big big sigh.. i miss home so much.. i miss everyone back home.. i miss the plain simple naive life in kch.. i miss being honest n blunt.. i miss doin bizarre stuff.. i miss telling stupid jokes.. oh god, i miss the old me..

the old me.. time flies.. and without realising it, i changed a lot.. slowly.. gradually.. silently.. i lost the radiance n confidence i used to have.. they were more than enough before, and now.. they are way beyond normal level.. Brenda Chia without self-esteem? come on, u gotta be kidding!! if u think i am, feel free to cross-examine..

guess wat? i've been fishing opinions bout cutting my hair short.. wondering how it will look like? i have been keeping long hair for more than 10 years.. mayb a change will do me good.. hopefully a new haircut will bring me luck.. lol.. this is call self-hypnotising.. or better still, self-deceiving..

gosh.. my Advanced Research methodology and Evidence court template is due next week.. yet i stil have the US time to tok crap here.. eeeeeee.. so angry with myself.. what the hell am i doin? i shud be doin my research!!!!!!!!! arrrrghhhhhhh...

back to REALITY.. life sucks!!!!!!!!!!!! anyway, i m stil a lucky girl.. i have supportive and helpful friends who are always here for me.. i noe i grumble a lot, so thanks for bearing with it.. lol.. life would be so much tougher without all of u.. =)

have to continue my research liao.. oh, not continue.. i shud use the word 'START'.. *faint*

shud i cut my hair short? hmmmmph.. drop me some comments.. haha..

oooohh.. been trying so hard to think of an issue to write these few days.. guess wat?? i found an interesting topic juz a few mins ago..

oh well, let us tok bout how BITCHY a person can be.. fascinating, isnt it?

let me give u an example.. thr's someone out there who can be so free n bored until she came to my blog and printed out my post.. and u noe wat she did with that? she distributed it around.. oh my god.. this is the most idiotic thing i've ever heard of.. seriously, i pity her.. gosh, she must be someone who has no life at all.. that is why she can have the US time to do all these crappy stuff.. imagine tat?

at the point of time when i made my blog public, i m prepared to face any consequences arising out of my posts.. i don mind if u read it or comment it.. i don care if anyone is mad or wana revenge on me.. i don care and i don mind at all.. coz i m very sure that the accuracy of everything i wrote is guaranteed..

the only thing i m curious about is that why the hell is she so F*CKING BITCHY??? what does it have to do with her? doesnt she have anything more meaningful to do? why cant she find something else to entertain herself?

thanks to what she did, one of my beloved jimui is being accused for gossiping.. i really hate it when something impacts on ppl around me.. come on, juz because i m not in Kch, u think u can do this to my friends, then u are wrong!!! u have no idea who u r messing with, my dear.. and mind u, i'm a leo and i hold grudges.. i do and i will.. don ever regret what u've done..

i really despise ppl like her.. if u wana say something, juz post it in my blog.. it's public and anyone can read it.. i m fine with that.. don do sth behind my back.. tat is very coward, gutless and WORTHLESS.. try to do sth with more value attached to it..

if it's not because the whole incident impacts on my jimui, i wont even spend a sec of my precious time discussing bout someone like her.. all i wana say is, DON EVER MESS UP WITH PPL AROUND ME.. I love my family and friends, and i wil do anything for them.. ANYTHING.. i can be nice, i can be friendly, but once i'm provoked, even me myself cant predict what's gonna happen next.. *wink*

so, best of luck to u, my dear.. since u r such a 'loyal' fans of my blog, do u wan me to publicise ur identity? don u think its such a brilliant idea? i will be most delighted to do so.. it's my pleasure.. =)

回古晋的那一个星期，身边的姐妹淘发生了好多事情……我们最信任的“大哥哥”出卖了我们……我哭笑不得……想笑，因为觉得自己好笨；想哭，因为觉得自己很可悲……
曾经，我对他的才华赞赏有加；曾经，在我最失意时，他拥抱过我；曾经，我们一起爬上了世界的巅峰；曾经，我们一起从急流中勇退；曾经，我的直觉告诉过我，他是一位很不简单的人；曾经，他的言谈举止让我发现他心思稠密……但，我们始终那么相信他，因为我从没想过，那些心机，将会反用在我们身上……
我的姐妹们，彻彻底底被他出卖了……我不喜欢一个人做事情偷偷摸摸；想做的话，就大声勇敢地诏告天下！！这不像他一贯的作风，实在是让我太失望了……谢采睿如此敬仰过的人，竟然如此不堪一击……是我失明，还是他失聪了？
姐妹淘里，有三位狮子座的女生，两位白羊座的女生，还有一位天秤座的男生……我们出现在一起时，总能呼风唤雨……毕竟，每个人都对我们都有所忌讳……三个狮子座结合的力量，总是让人无法忽视……有仇必报，是我们的座右铭……脾气火爆的我们，永远不会给不识相的人，任何翻身的机会……
但是，再怎么亲，再怎么黏，我们还是各奔前程了……可薇去了吉隆坡，涵微去了Adelaide，我来到了Brisbane……万万想不到的是，所有的不好都接踵而来，留下绣清、颖英和盈慧去面对……我清楚感受到，这件事情对他们的打击有多大……他们应该快崩溃了吧……被自己信任的人，如此狠狠捅一刀，再终极的金钟罩，也抵挡不了预料不到的暗器……
每每想到这里，我就会好心痛……真的让他们受委屈了……由始至终，我、可薇和涵微，都扮演着姐姐的角色去保护着他们……如今，却束手无策……如果我们都在，那些狐假虎威的败类也不敢如此放肆……试问，谁受得了可薇的明摆臭脸？试问，谁挡得了涵微的笑里藏刀？
姐妹们，真的很抱歉，无法与你们有难同当……不要难过了，他们担待不起……不是说好了吗？只要姐妹同心，所有的一切，已不再重要……
只要有你们在，我不曾有过后顾之忧……因为我知道，就算倒下，你们都会把我撑起……而我，也想成为你们最坚固的后盾……
永远爱你们哟！！

他的姐姐上个星期结婚了……当时在古晋的我，唯一能做的，只有拨了通电话向他道贺……那一刻，心里是惆怅的……


认识他们一家，也快五年了吧……他的家人对我真的很好……公公婆婆很宠溺我，爸爸妈妈很关心我，姐姐弟弟很支持我……和他在一起的那一段日子，我真的很幸福……他的家人永远都把我当成家庭的一份子，大事小事都总会为我打点周到……

说真的，看到了他在姐姐婚礼上的照片，觉得他变得更帅气了……那个英气潇洒的他，总能让我屏住呼吸，只想静静就这样看他一辈子……我，曾经如此深爱过他……是爱过，还是依然爱着？我快搞不清楚了……如果只是爱过，为什么脸颊至今依然挂着泪珠？

说过已经放下了，说过已经没有眷恋了，但就算向全世界呐喊，我的心中始终有一细弱的声音，在嘀咕着……好想在那一刻和他分享一切的喜悦，好想在那一刻可以握着他妈妈的手，好想在那一刻给予他姐姐祝福的拥抱，好想一切都可以回到过去，那个我已认定要嫁给他的过去……


好傻，怎么那么傻呢？就算回到过去，我和他，始终会走到今天……也许，是我们性格不合；也许，是我和他都自尊心太强；也许，是他和我都不愿退让……唯一肯定的是，我们之间的距离，比天涯海角还要遥不可及……从一开始，就不应该在一起，所有人都说……从一开始，我们就是不适合的一对恋人……由始至终，那一段爱情都是不被祝福的……

他，已经往前跨出一步了……有一天，他将会找到真爱，将会和她共谐连理，将会拥有属于他们的孩子……那一天，如果我们相遇了，我的心还会痛吗？那一种椎心的痛，会否比今天少些许？而那时的我，会否遗憾为什么没有留下曾经属于我的你？


是我，让你走了……是我，把你从我的世界赶了出来……是我，没有勇气抵抗命运……我是爱着你的，为什么不能在一起？为什么？为什么我再也无法拥抱你？为什么，我必须忘掉爱过的一切？为什么你永远伫立在我无法触碰的地方？

我，想要往前走了……我，真的好想爱上别人……就那样轰轰烈烈地爱上别人，一定要比更爱你才行……该让我爱上的人，出现了吗？

年初二的午夜，只有寂静的星空、堆成小山丘的笔记，还有周董的咬字不清，陪伴着我……

考试快到了，我奋斗的毅力，却相对地减弱……我，好想放弃……真的快崩溃了……

打开手提电脑，按着滑鼠、敲打着键盘，我进入了好友姐妹们的部落格……没有他们的日子，我都是从他们的文字中，感受到曾经有过的感动……一页页引人深思的文章、一张张绚丽夺目的照片，我试图找寻属于我的角落……

才发现，出国的这一年，我错失了好多东西……我，为了理想，真的失去了太多太多……所有人的回忆里，也许对我的印象已经不知不觉模糊了……在这温馨热闹的聚集季节，也许，我已不被记挂着……也许，我的存在，已逐渐被遗忘……

年除夕晚上，没有疯狂的倒数庆典……和这里的家人吃过团圆饭后，我按下了家里的号码……听到妈妈的声音，我泣不成声……第一次，我哭了……出国将近一年，我永远只让爸爸妈妈听到我的笑声，就算再艰苦，我都不想让他们担心……

但那一夜，我真的好难过……我，好想家……那种椎心的想念，让我连呼吸都感到心好痛……真的好痛……我，好想念我可爱忠心的小狗……想念他腻在我脚边，对我撒娇时的模样……想念他带给我的每一份幸福……

我，从不喜欢承认自己的彷徨……我，总喜欢假装不在乎……我，总喜欢发脾气来掩饰自己的在意……我，其实，真的很脆弱……我，其实，也会不堪一击……我，其实，真的会流泪……我，原来，还会想起他……

倦了，累了，快要窒息了……想在波涛汹涌中抓根浮木，却发现，除了一望无际的海洋，我，一无所有……

最近，好忙……应该可以媲美周杰伦筹备演唱会的忙碌吧……真的超忙……忙到连下星期是华人新年都忘记了……几个星期前，甚至因为一天将近10小时的课，而忘记了爸爸的生日……忙忙忙，到底为了什么在瞎忙？

如今，忙碌成了我最佳的麻醉剂，让我可以暂且逃避身边的一切……逃离所有的难过，回避所有的不安……我，什么都不愿多想……

他，始终是关心我的……相爱过的岁月，又有谁真的可以潇洒地摒弃？遗忘，或许只是自欺欺人的掩饰……我们的爱，是真的被距离给架空了……终于相信，我和他，都是彼此的转站……再轰轰烈烈的爱情，也会被时间的无情给摧毁……再完美的回忆，也拼凑不出一个继续相爱的理由……

他，是一位我很在意的朋友……面临的一次次难关，只要向他求救，便能迎刃而解……我，总喜欢向他抱怨……他，总说他会一直都在……对他的信任和依赖，却逐渐将这一份友情推向悬崖……因为依赖，所以不再相信自己的能力……因为在意，所以总会多出无谓的揣测……在被压力的威逼利诱下，我向他发了一次脾气，劈头就说了好多不该说的狠话……天啊！！我的刀子嘴真是害我匪浅……如今，再懊悔，也于事无补了……就这样，我亲'口'扼杀了一段不可多得的友情……

他，是我在濒临崩溃时的救星……啃书啃到想放弃时，只要一想到他，我就觉得好幸福……再多四个星期，我就能见到他了……期待了整整三年，盼了又盼，终于等到今天……周杰伦演唱会将在2月23日引爆！！

他们，是我生命中的福星－可薇、涵微、绣清、颖英、敏嘉、观正、Effie、Tze Ai、Amelia、Ai Lynn、Julia、Jessie、Racheal、万祥、，还有公公！！他们，总是在我最脆弱时，给我最坚固的依靠……他们，是天使的最佳写照……

我，的确很幸福吧……疲惫了，有港湾迎接我的靠岸……后退了，有浪潮推动我前进……受伤了，有微风抚平心中的痛……

谢采睿，你还有什么理由，好让自己退缩呢？加油加油加油！！

圣诞的铃声已销声，新年的烟火已匿迹，接踵而来的是assignments的deadlines，还有考试前的“风满楼”……天啊，怎么那么快又要考试了？？！！

两个多月前，我为2nd semester的考试，付出了前所未有的努力……得到的，和付出的，就是差那么一点点的不成对比……好多科目都因为1、2分，而与心中理想的grade相隔千里……好无奈……

更可悲的是，现今暑假课程选修的Corporate, Commercial和Professional Responsibility，都不是容易上轨道的科目……这是第一次我对自己如此没有信心，毕竟必须用3个月的时间来搞定一切，的确有点挑战我最大的能耐……我，熬得过去吗？

真的有点想放弃了，害怕考不好，担忧不能如预期般顺利毕业，太多太多的烦恼和压力，让我快撑不下去了……爸爸妈妈对我的期望，还有好友对我的支持，让我无地自容……

无可否认，我的确有那么一点小聪明……小学、中学、甚至在IBMS的那几年，我都是那么混过来的……来到了这里，才发现，原来有更多的人拥有大聪明，甚至大努力……我，似乎变笨了……多么微不足道的小聪明啊……

新的一年，真的会有新希望吗？如果可以，我真的希望可以顺利戴上四方帽……除了我的Law Degree，我什么都不愿多想，也根本无暇多虑……

祝福我有足够的毅力来承受即将如潮水般涌来的压力吧！！

上网进了Hotmail，看到了Julia的email……标题是－MY BRIDAL PHOTOS……

滑鼠一按，出现在眼前的是位好漂亮的新娘……真的好漂亮，那种美，闪耀着幸福的光芒……我，看呆了……

脑海中，闪过我们有过的回忆……一幕幕，就像影片般，触动了我的心弦……我的眼泪，从眼角滑到了脸颊……

她，就像我的亲姐姐一样，疼我，宠我……在我难过时，她抱过我；在我开心时，她总会笑得比我大声……如今，她找到了幸福的港湾，终于要结婚了……她，就要在明年的1月出嫁了……

很遗憾的是，我无法出席她的婚礼……课业的繁重，还有2月初即将到来的考试，让我分身乏术……我真的很难过，真的好想在那么重要的一刻，陪在她身旁，握着她的手，就算不说话，也要从心底给她最真诚的祝福……

但，就算无法出席，我深信她还是感受到了我满满的祝福……两颗心，就算隔着一片大海洋，只要有爱，始终可以交集……而我和她的姐妹情谊，足以横跨一切的遥远，为她送上发自内心的礼物……

能遇上一个彼此相爱、相惜、相知的对象，毕竟不是件容易的事……她的笑容，印证了她的幸福……女人，原来真的需要爱情，才会成为最漂亮的新娘……

我，一直憧憬着自己的婚礼……将近5年的岁月里，我只想成为他的新娘……我们说好的，要在那年那月那天，携手共度一生……曾经许下的山盟海誓，怎么轻易就被风吹散了呢？唯独留下不再相信爱情的我，还有满室的尘土飞扬……

身边有好多朋友忙着为我张罗男友，也出现过愿意让我依靠的人，真的很谢谢他们……你们的心意，我真正感受到了……但，请无需太为我担心……

谁说我不幸福呢？谁说单身会寂寞呢？曾经，我也好想有个人在身边……如今，却渐渐可以沉淀浮躁的心情，享受淡淡的平静……我，很幸福……因为无论回首，还是往前看，身边的朋友都很幸福……而我，因为他们的幸福，所以也觉得很幸福……

星期二和星期三各有一张PAPER……这时的我，真的不该ONLINE，难道不是吗？但，我真的快压抑得爆毙了……压力，真的让我过着行尸走肉的日子……

上了FRIENDSTER，参观了几位好友的PROFILE，才发现原来我的生命中，有好多好多一直陪在身边的朋友……认识了将近十年，虽然分隔几地，但我们之间的情谊，始终没有被时间和距离冲淡，反而像红酒般，越久越香醇……我想，这就是友谊的珍贵吧……

我可爱的“姐妹”们，是上天对我的恩赐－涵微、可薇、颖英、绣清、盈慧敏嘉－读书时代的好友，至今仍然是我最要好的闺中密友……虽然不常见面，彼此的关心始终不曾减少，这就是我对“Buddy”的定义……

Fiona § Tze Ai－IBMS时的战友……同样享受美食与购物，真是相见恨晚！！

Effie－留澳升学时互相打气的拍挡……如今，是我的屋友……我们俩的笑声，可以掀翻整个屋顶，一点都不夸张……

在我人生最高潮时，他们陪我狂笑过；在我失落伤心时，他们陪我嘶喊过……在我最需要被爱时，他们让我明白单身也可以很幸福……

而他们，则是姐姐给我的恩赐……他们，都是我最亲最爱的哥哥姐姐们－尤其是佩杰、龙珠、Julia、万祥、观永，还有雄伟……感谢一路上有你们的宠爱！！

时间和距离，不曾冲淡我们之间的情谊……原来，久酿的红酒，才是最香醇的……

一直不知道该如何“动笔”写这篇文章……有太多太多的感触，让我无从下“笔”……直到……公公赠于我一首周杰伦的《彩虹》……

白色的字体，在黑色的荧幕上，如此清晰……“11月4日，如果能让我重新再来一次，我希望我不曾出现在你生命里”……那一瞬间，我的眼泪溃堤了……

11月4日－－如此巧合的数字，却击痛了我的心……简单的一句话，却让所有的情绪涌上心头……是啊，再过四天，就是他的生日了……如今，我和他的交情，已经不允许彼此再有任何的交集……

曾经，无数个夜深人静，辗转难眠时，我总会想起他……渐渐地，情绪的转变，让我自己也难以置信……由最初的爱恋，变成淡淡的想念，到最后，竟然只剩下满满的平淡……随着想起他次数的减少，我明白，也许，他已经不爱我了……

我，不再执著于不属于我的爱，毕竟付出了这么多年的所有，也该够了……属于谢采睿的人生，就从现在绽放光芒吧……

“11月4日－－生日快乐！”最后一次，我放纵自己用残余的情感为他祝福……放下的轻松，真的比拼死握紧的窒息，更能让我幸福……我，释怀了……

挂在眼角的泪珠，在浅浅笑容的衬托下，不再象征哀伤，而是我爱过他的见证……

考试快到了，只剩下不到14个昼夜……我每天过着机械般的日子，重复着同样的五个步骤 －－ 吃喝拉撒，加上温书……压力，根本就是无形的杀手嘛……

11月6日：ADMINISTRATIVE LAW

11月7日：LANGUAGE

11月13日：CONSTITUTIONAL LAW

11月14日：CONTRACTS

最近，真的好烦……烦考试，烦assignments，烦朋友的感情事，烦减肥，烦天气，简直是烦到24小时都不够用……烦到不行时，就拼命吃冰淇淋来发泄，结果不知不觉磅针又向右移动了些许，然后又拼命想办法减肥……天啊！！我真的快疯了！！

有时候，真的怀疑4年前的我，干嘛没事找事做，好读不读，选择读法律……好吧，就贪图一个“律师”头衔好听，那干嘛好选不选，放弃好好的ATC不念，选择来澳洲深造？害得我日思夜想，几乎每晚都会梦到BRJ的NASI LEMAK，还有KIM GARY 的CHEESEBAKED RICE……

现在可好，全世界的人都回古晋过华人新年，而我却笨到不行地留在这里选修暑假课程……不能过年也就算了，不能陪爸妈吃团圆饭就算了，不能在屋外陪我的宝贝SUNNY看烟花就算了，不能舔我最爱的黄梨糕就算了，我竟然没有机会买到美美的新年衣耶！！！我快要气爆了！！！可恶的是，这里的衣服款式大同小异，一穿出门，大街小巷的女生都穿同样的衣服，唯一的差别只在于颜色……*尖叫*

超级超级让我无可奈何的是 － － 我竟然在这里买不到周杰伦的最新专集！！！！气死我了！！！！连我唯一的消遣都要剥夺，这未免太刻薄我了吧……哎……

说来说去，讲东讲西，是该停止埋怨了……好吧，结论是：谢采睿想回古晋！！！！！

谁说不能黑白配呢？难道不是因为黑的衬托，白才会如此抢眼突出？就算全世界的人都说我们不配，我始终坚信，在这个彩色的世界，有你的爱，我才能存在……就像，有“黑”才有“白”……

后来，时间和距离，延伸了我们之间的灰色地带……是是非非，对对错错，黑黑白白，逐渐模糊……爱与不爱，如此简单的是非题，我却找不到答案……

害怕失去，也许只是习惯了有你的存在；不愿松手，或许恐惧迷失了自己……失去了黑的白，是否依然象征着无瑕？而你，是否发现，原来黑配银，又别有一番风情？

好多时候，我们尝试融入彼此的生活……更多时候，你和我，都感到窒息……后来，你说，我们是不同世界的人，我要的，和你能给的，永远无法交集……

我恍然，就算经历了无数次暴风雨来临前的阴天，再怎么用心体会，白天始终不懂夜的黑，好似你依然不懂我的美……白天无法理解黑夜的内敛；黑夜不能体谅白天的耀眼……白天和黑夜，交替着，却命中注定般一次次错过彼此……

白天，被天气左右着它的光度；黑夜，就算狂风暴雨，依然黑得眩目……好适合你我的比喻 －－ 我的心情如此轻易被影响；而你，处之泰然……

我轻叹……原来，黑是真的不明“白”……既然这样，一切的黑锅，就让已经疲惫于向你辩白的我来背吧……象征着无瑕的白，在黑的离弃后，不再存在；取而代之的，只剩下灰色的混浊……