stop..breathing...

 [ .::Sounds: Script - Breakeven::. ]

hearing this song, the line "i'm all choked up and you're ok" strikes something in me.
i'm reminded of him.
it's been so many years. so long since his name last left my lips.
i try..but even his face seems unclear now.
although it's strange, but i feel like i can remember the sense of his smell.
words fail to describe..crushing happiness in a swirly mix of smothering contentment.. underlying all that, a quiet peace.
and in a secret corner of his neck behind his jaw, a boy resides..

...

it's not like the thought that maybe it was all a lie never crossed my mind.
maybe he's...still alive. he's somewhere out there, living happily.
maybe..it would be a lifetime away since my name left his lips.
my face would be a blurred memory.
maybe...but it's ok. really.
i don't wanna know.
if he's alright, it's ok..i don't wanna know.

...

in my mind, i concocted grand, elaborate schemes of finding him.
through his friends, colleagues..people who knew him...but not me.
i would travel to the ends of the earth, picking up the pieces he left behind.
and at the end of my journey, i would arrive at my destination.
i imagined it would be a grey cloudy day with a hint of heaviness in the atmosphere and a breeze that carries with it, a faint scent of rain, flowers and dust.
then, i will gently lay my hand on his tombstone.

.:.

[ .::Soundtrack: 2BACKKA - Namida::. ]

was supposed to meet alicia today, turns out that she was shopping with her sis and wouldn't be able to meet me until pretty late..
and for once, i was early and ready to go.
if it was under any other circumstances, i would have changed out and settled back at home, but my visiting aunt is at home, so if possible i would really try to leave for some fresh air at least.

called up almost everyone i would be willing to meet but it turns out no one is free.
i guess, for most people, on a public holiday they would rather spend time with their boyfriends huh.
the only person who is outside and willing to meet me happens to be in an movie.
oh well.
with nowhere to go and no one to meet. i felt kinda lost.
what should i do? what does one normally do?
should i turn back?
today was a chilly, rainy, grey skies kinda weather, would have been great if i was at some cafe sipping coffee.

i dumped some books into my bag, sprayed some fragrance, grabbed my keys. and left.
wasn't sure where i was headed for. should i head downtown?
but the thought of being alone in a crowd..jostling and bumping into all sorts of strangers. navigating crowded restaurants and eateries trying to decide where to sit where to eat what to do...with all these thoughts in my mind, i nearly walked my usual route down the tunnel to the trains.
i take the 'em everyday. the trains.
daily in the morning with my bedhair, staring at my reflection wondering if my dark eye rings are more obvious today, face to face with sitting strangers, shoulder to shoulder with standing strangers, all under a harsh overly bright light...

i did an about turn and walked down to the busstop instead.
a downtown bus arrived not 5 minutes later.
but i hopped onto another bus.
ok, well it just happened to be the bus right behind the one headed downtown..
it was cold in the bus.
plugged into my music, staring out a rain-stained glasspane, it occurred to me how much i missed taking buses.
in the dark anonymity, my eyes could fill with tears and no one would know.
no one would be examining my hair my clothes my face. no one would even notice the cover of whatever book i'm reading.
i remembered a dream i had last night. i was smoking.
and i couldn't remember what that tastes like anymore.
suddenly, i felt like having a cig.
finally, i got off where i knew there was a convenience store and bought a pack and a lighter.
i don't even remember when i started quitting smoking, but it must have been some years now so i don't bring a lighter around with me no more.

in the convenience store, when it got to my turn, some old guy tried to cut the queue. granted, he was just getting a newspaper..but still..
i pushed through and went ahead with my order. trying to see where marlboro is located behind the shelf amongst rows of cigarettes (where all i can see is the various disgusting pictures my government insists on wasting taxpayers' money to put on). 
before we (the cashier and me) knew it, the old guy up and left.
a little surprised, we followed him with our eyes trying to see if he took the papers with him.
he did.
i said, have he paid?
oh. it was then  i noticed the coins he left on the counter. we counted them and it was the right amount.
ah. she smiled at me. i think i smiled back.
she probably felt like i was a kindred spirit.
how often do i have strangers (who aren't trying to sell me something) smile at me?

i crossed the road, and took the same bus back.
on the way, my music player ran outta batteries and as if uncomfortable with the quietus, i took out my comic and started reading.
the comic was published in hongkong, halfway through, i pretended to be reading it in cantonese in my head.
it didn't seem as weird as i thought it would.

i alighted and walked the slippery streets real carefully on my oldnavy flipflops. all the way back to my house.
i took a puff at an old spot - at the top level of the carpark.
it was still cold and cloudy.
and there wasn't really any nightsky to appreciate.
in all my (meagre) years of smoking, i still never got down how to 'pat' the pack properly so the cigarettes would be compacted. all the tobacco leaves would fall back in, leaving some cigarette paper which i'll fold in before lighting up.
i used to make my sister do it for me all the time, patting the cigarette pack.

the smoke hit me all the way back in my throat and i felt an urge to cough. it sure has been a long time.
i think in the dream, it felt better.
it's probably psychological.
i remembered feeling like it eases my heart. i swear it's my imagination, but try convincing me.
so i said to myself, this is the last stick.
i don't intend to start smoking again.

between puffs, i wondered about all this.
i've just spent over 2 hours taking a trip only to get a pack of cigarettes and then come right back home again.
my friend who just finished her movie asked me if i wanted to meet..
but that's not the point anymore right?
when i got home i lied to my mom saying i only met a friend to pass her some stuff.
ah yes, must protect my fragile pride.
everything's just fine..

home sweet home.
a few hours later, i'm back where i started, burying my head in my pillow and thinking this smell's the best.
no exhaust fumes, some stranger's perfume, not even the aftersmell of cigarettes on my clothes..
although, i still feel like i might crave another cig..(another me is rolling her eyes at this statement.)

i wonder, if this is normal. to just up and go.
they say humans are creatures of habit, they won't move beyond a 10km radius daily.
it's mindnumbing.
within this 10 kilometres, what are we chasing after?
everyday, we wake up, where are we heading to?
i wonder.. if we know.
'coz i sure don't know..where i'm going...
heh.

.:.

[ .::Soundtrack: Badly Drawn Boy - I Need A Sign::. ]

broke? check.
tired? check.
hungry? nope.
no appetite? check.
application for loan got rejected? check.
can't quit hated job? check.
can't fly? check.
eyebags & darkcircles? damn.shit. ..check.

cure: self-delusion to be taken with twisted humour.
side effects: warped perspective, silver linings may be seen when non-existent.

...

these days i've been finding it hard to write because even as i try to be cheerful it's kinda tough.
keep getting rejected for my education loan, it's not that i can't find other banks, but i want the option to defer payment until i've finished my studies...so that i can take another job, a part time one, and really concentrate on studying.
and if i can't get a loan like that, i would need a goodpaying job and i'll probably have to stay here. right here where i'm working now. and i really don't know how long i can last here.

politics at work make me feel so insecure. everyday i wonder when i'll get sacked for something someone says about me or if i'll leave first.
if i can leave first.
i work such funny shifts like 11pm-8am, if i was years younger i wouldnt bat an eyelid but years ago i swore (like a death pledge) that i would never, never, ever, work graveyard shifts. never would i wanna torture and subject myself to this again.
and it's funny, here i am doing such shifts again.
my bodyclock's a mess. my tummy feels weird coz it's empty but i'm not hungry at the right times.
i woke up at 8pm, and now it's already 9.
the last time i ate was spaghetti at 9pm yesterday night, and probably 2 char siew baos at 2am, and some cookies at 12noon today before i dropped off like a log. on my bed (thankfully).
so now still i'm trying to convince myself i should be hungry.
the fact is i dont even feel hungry very much these days, either coz of the weird shifts, or the stress i dunno..
but i think i'm probably losing more weight again (not like i'm not skinny enough as it is  =_= )

more bad/sad news, tomorrow, a bunch of great colleagues i really enjoyed working with are leaving coz they're gonna start their wonderful uni life and they were only working on a temp basis here.
and they're almost all leaving tomorrow.
that means, my office would be left with mostly the yucky people?
the ones that make an issue out of me sitting away from them..
gee. what? just coz they wanna feel all superior by sitting away from the normal staff and using laptops i gotta do the same?
guess i'll never agree with the management. it's a wonder how i got promoted.
then again i'm such an easy target when i only go about doing my job, not bothering to PR or suck up any one's stupid ass.
hey this dont mean i have low EQ. i get along, i just dont wish to make myself all elitist by sitting in some stupid glasstank room just so i can feel my rank?

sigh..i'm so unhappy i wanna quit..if not for the money.
i'm such a dollarslut.
and i tell myself i'm being mature, rational.
that not being emotional about this is the right thing to do.
and if i believe the law of attraction, more bad things are gonna happen haha.

amongst such dark thoughts, the one saving grace is that i've cut my hair short.
so nice. yeah everyone thinks i look good this way too.
i've picked up a new habit now - when i feel frustrated, i just mess my own hair up~
(it's so short, it'll only look stylish - for the record, my sis disagrees though)

and CH is going to hk in november!! she asked me if i wanna join her..
but...but..i could be a beggar by then..
right.....
after 3 secs of deep reflection, i've realised i dont wanna be maudlin and say something stupid like being thankful for some more stuff coz rather than pointing out the silver linings in every single situation, i feel better pretending i don't have any problems.
so yes in meantime, you know what i'll be doing.
i'll pretend i'm not pitying my sorry state and keep on laughing haha.

...

[ .::Soundtrack: Kent -  Rödljus II::. ]

tired. when i get tired.
walking home on a quiet street, i can smell the cool night air amidst the rising after-heat from rain on the grounds.
listening to my music, i feel like i've stepped into a make-believe world.
wandering from puddle to puddle, stepping to a rhythm only i can hear.
the trees rustle even when there aren't any cars and the only lights shine down from orange glowlamps.
as the wind runs free through my hair and flies all over the place,
i do a little turn, twirl and spin, laugh silently and skip away.
quietly losing my sanity when i think no one's looking.
i wanna laugh, i wanna cry.
softly, so softly..
i dance across empty roads at night.

...

 [ .::Soundtrack: YUI - Ready to Love:.]

can't sleep..keep thinking about things like..erm..love?
just hit 26 on monday. i specifically made sure i wouldn't remember it.
but for some reason, i had one of the best birthdays in many years because so many people remembered and wished me a happy birthday.
heh. the simplest things touches me.
it's probably the same for other people you know.
it isn't so much about the presents. really.
aw damn. i'm so touched still.
so here goes, even if i would probably never tell them this but:
thanks a lot guys, even if i say things like "god! why did you have to remind me??"
please, ignore me. i'm so touched inside i honestly don't know what to say. :P

 [ .::Soundtrack: YUI - Goodbye Days:.]

on a separate note..
i think i like someone.
he's in the same class as me, he sits opposite me.
BUT.
i've never actually chased anyone.
how does one go about doing that??
and ok, i'm still a girl alright?? (albeit getting long in the tooth..)
so there really is a limit to how much i can try to be 'forward' without feeling like i'm just too brash.
i don't really know when it started.
yeah i think he's cute. he's got the boyish looks.
i think he's younger though i try not to remember that.
although shit, what if he's like 5 years younger??
even if i don't mind, he might...
what do i like about him?
i melt for guys who have a serious hobby.
*blush*
since he probably would never read this. i'll just say it.
he goes to a place with wide open fields to fly toy aeroplanes.
when he said that in class i just ~~melted~~.
and then he likes to read comics. he's a fan of bleach.
~2nd melt~
he likes taiwan. omg. i've seen his essay, he wrote about the same place as me.
and i also have a soft spot for suit, shirt and tie outfit (i know it's so white collar.. and i mean the young men please, not the ojisans).
and there was once he appeared in just that.
even maeda sensei commented how cool he looked.
she asked if he had a date, he laughed and said no, it's for work and he doesn't have a girlfriend.
!!!
ever since then, he's been coming to class on and off sometimes wearing tee-jeans sometimes shirt-pants...
but what i really wanna ask him if he already has someone he likes.
i can take it you know. right now at least.
when i haven't fallen in.
today, when FH, my very good (but also very blur about love) friend wasn't here in class, i decided to gather up my courage and take a chance.
of course i wouldn't do that when FH is around.
she would just wonder what the hell am i up to.
and i'm afraid of explaining to her. :P
ok yes yes i'm a coward.
so, i took out my mobile, pretended to be messenging, and casually looked around and said "hey can i have all your numbers?" (unsaid is that we've been classmates for some time so..)
*he* reached out his hand (like i said, he's just opposite me) for my mobile and i passed it to him.
he proceeded to key in his number, and called himself with it.
after which i asked Andrea, sitting 2 seats away (clara, who was beside me was outside) for her number.
She took out a paperpad and i wrote down my number on it, she asked for my email too.
Afterwhich she passed the paper around.
Anyway, of course i tried to talk to *him* more often, asking for the homework he got back from sensei to cross-check with mine.
he did that for mine later too.
(uwa~~just thinking about it, i'm so daring!)
but seriously, i think he just thinks of me like someone good in jap to borrow homework from..
yes i know~~that's so sad!~~
it's not like he doesn't talk with other girls in class.
and...i know when a guy likes me. (i think there's this other guy in class who does..and sits far away enough for me to comfortably feign ignorance..)
and. it's a little disappointing..but i think i'm not his type..:P
*sighs..*

.:.

after class, i had a late dinner with jas, a good friend i know from class.
chatting happily i happened to ask her about about the guy she likes, is he going to the same uni as her?
she said nah, he's gonna be doing national service.
and we were just re-discussing about how she knows he knows she likes him when she suddenly she said,
"Do you like someone from class?"
me, inside - asfhjkl*&#%!! 
me, outside - "... ..." (mouth drops open.)
"e-er..ya.... ... how did you know??"
she said maybe she was sensitive but she guessed.
i just kept "omg"-ing and hitting my head on the proverbial wall.
i didn't really think about it seriously until i realised i was obvious to someone close to me.
i know i like him, but i wasn't aware of it.
in a flash, i realised that in class i kept getting distracted by him.
*ahem..sorry i meant 'thoughts' of him.
it's worse now that i'm aware of it coz i can't stop thinking about him.
that's why i'm not sleeping but posting this stupid entry in a blog.
(makes me think i might have some kinda emotional cathartic exhibitionist streak..but hey, don't we all?)
i just hope no one else catches on.
wouldn't it be awkward if *he* knows?
more so for me. i would be so artificial around him.
ah, the feelings of a rejected woman is fragile.
for a while i'll pretend to be my normal joking and laughing self.
but i'll get over it eventually.
as if  this is just a ripple.
and it might really be that..
after it's gone, there are no traces it ever existed.
and when a fresh breeze arises, new ripples are created.
...and just like that, the days go by.

sighs..

I was just wondering, how true this is, that women prefer gay men to cut their hair (apparently, many swear that a male, usually gay, hairdresser works more wonders?) while men prefer straight men to cut theirs (you call 'em barbers, not hairdressers anymore).

what happened to the female hairdressers?
Isn't this a pretty common bias?
admittedly, i'm guilty too :P
but..why?

.:.

anyway, i got a new job. it's an online shopping company. it's not been too long but i still feel like a n00b. swimming in the vast complex world of logistics amidst the tempting lures of online shopping wares~~it's the bright lights! the sales! the brilliant buys!! and some people order for others (so they get tempted to buy). i, sometimes get to re-pack items from customers' sprees and handling pretty clothes, sweet smelling toiletries..
still, i swear i'm not gonna blow my first paycheck from this job.

well it's not like all roses over here. figuring out what needs to be done is pretty difficult. not to mention i don't really (what a mild term) like this new girl who's been positioned as one of the new in-charge.. so hey, everyday's a brave new day as i endeavour to forge a new path, a new world, and most of all, a better tomorrow for... myself.
but what all this means is my jap classes is really taking a hit. a huge hit. i haven't had time to do any work, notes nada. i can barely make it to class now. isn't it ironic? i switched to a new job so i'll have time for studying while working.
now that i've started i'm having serious doubts about working here AND studying. not that the hours are long but the shift hours can get tiring. if i come home any later than 7pm i'm just too beat (mentally) to do any sorta studying. or homework.
and i really wanna complain but the only person i can bring this up to is myself. and that's exasperating.
i cant talk sense into one of the more well-known proscrastinators of all time (myself). like how i should be doing something other then blogging? yes. but i'm not. i don't know why. no i do, but i don't wanna know.
bah. am i even making sense??

another thing worthy of a mention. i'm rediscovering my love for dressing up. i wear nice formal clothes everyday, trying my best to look as if i have some important black-tie event to attend (as if) and as enjoyable as that is...damn. i hate those shoes. i've not worn heels for so long my legs have embraced a we-accept-flats-only policy. i  nearly limp home everyday cursing my shoes,  nursing my blisters and swollen feet. it's such pure torture.
you know, that's exactly the reason why women always need more shoes. we absolutely have to find the perfect pair that goes with almost every article of clothing we have. the alternative is too adhorrent to be comtemplated.
but i still hate shopping for shoes the most.
damn these shoes.

...

 [ .::Soundtrack: Antennasia -  Kemonomichi::.]

looking at the last date i blogged, seems like i took a really long hiatus off blogging.
whatever the excuse, from finding a new perspective to just being too busy with real life out here.
heh, and i wouldn't even have tried to post some kinda explanation if not for jinro :P
thanks for prodding me (even if you didn't mean to..made me feel guilty for not updating my blog even when noone's really reading..except..maybe..you? lol)
my old blog's dead and buried. feels sad but it's too much work reviving MT and even transferring all my posts over to wordpress is just too much work.

over here, i keep changing the themes. guess i'm sooo used to my old site that i feel really uncomfortable using some other theme.
it's like borrowing someone else's paper and pen and then trying to write something *deep* with that. (sorry if this sounds so.. bourgeois?..of me.. i would cringe if i heard someone else saying this though lol)
talking about *deep*, i wonder sometimes too, if my lack of words is not because i've just stopped thinking so much.
i don't think it's good, but i don't feel much worse for it either.
i'm really quite busy what with trying to scrounge money and shaking my fist at that rich-poor gap i feel so sorely.
in the beginning of the year, i had built up enough resolve to try and date. and..and..i dunno..give myself a chance at marriage?? went on a group blind date. ok. that's enough. enough to put me off socialising for at least 5 more years before i get the same crazy notion of giving myself and others a chance. :P
i'm lazy. and in reality, i don't really have that much patience with politesse, preenings, posings and primping (even if i look all mild and smiley). an occasional dress-me-up for a friend's wedding is enough to make me feel like i'm still young and pretty~~ why, just the other day, someone came up to me and asked if i wanted to be a model. boy..how many years has it been that  i've heard that. lemme count..at least 6? 8?
(FH : yeah, model for some auntie-ish brand..)
(me: if you're trying to console yourself...)
(FH : ...")
(me: aadjslk.pft.)

.:.

friends my age are getting married increasingly, exponentially. They are even planning babies. while i'm planning chinese calligraphy or multimedia design classes. perpetually trying to make it for my jap school's cultural events that always seems to be sold out the minute it makes it to the noticeboard (don't ask. it's surely a conspiracy.) the sushi-making, the ohagi-making, and then the jap calligraphy class too. sigh.

met up with J and Ly over the weekend, J just got married 2 days before, but we didn't even get to attend it. it didn't bother me all that much, it seems A was..it just made me a little nostalgic..you know..from years back i often and very vocally demanded and threatened and forced them to make promises that i would get to be bridesmaid at their weddings.
(i have a tiny family, and never attended relatives' weddings before, so naturally the 1st 'real countable' wedding would have to be a friend's right? teachers' weddings don't count.)
but over the years, we just drifted apart. in the most natural of ways. me too. i have other closer friends, have more fun with my colleagues, go shopping with other people, go on trips with other people..blahblah. it's only natural that the cliques we formed in high school become just a part of a transition to adulthood.
heh. i kinda think i sounded too philosophical there. but you get the idea.
you know, i have a really good friend, whom i feel i can be totally honest, vulnerable and truthful with, but she's in malaysia and i'm forever wishing i could visit her but then the thought of making the trip makes me feel tired so i was secretly relieved everytime something crops up and i can't make it in the end.
after that weekend with J, who's a Mrs. now, i wondered if i don't make more of an effort, if sooner or later i would have more friends who become strangers than strangers who become friends. in a rare moment of regret in anticipation of what might happen in future, i sent a mushy message over to her. saying, hey, just thinking of you, hope you're well and happy. we'll always be good friends right? when are you coming over?
as expected, she was pretty happy to receive my message, and we discussed plans to visit pulau redang and taipei sometime..
i wonder if it'll happen..i sure hope it does..

.:.

other than that, it's the usual: job - boring, colleague - sucky, new job - sounds great but don't wanna jinx it by saying anymore. it's a surprise, i didn't realise i've become such a natural at interviews.(heheh..maybe that's coz i have lotsa practise praising myself lol) the 1st interview in so many years, and i aced it. must have been my honesty. heh. but really, it was probably because i wanted the job but i didn't want it if it wasn't what i would do well in. i was more worried about what the job entails, what the company does, and how i might fit in, so for the 2nd interview, even when the 2 ladies started out pretty stern, we were talking as if we were old colleagues by the end of it.
ok. like i say, i might end up hating the job and have to quit and start looking for a new one again. argh. there's nothing more i hate right now than the idea of that.

that... and high cholesterol. i'm in health-mode (ex. chocs) so i've been keeping off eggs for the meantime. (yeah right!! i had a sandwich with egg mayo the other day!!) ahem. other than a few inescapable infractions, my food have been otherwise almost egg-free. been eating less meat too. as a little experiment, began taking tocotrienol vit e for about a month now, next week i'll see if my cholesterol levels drop slightly. but it probably won't be too definitive..hm..but then again it's not all that high, although for my age i believe it should be well far and below the borderline. now if only i can keep away from chocolates too..

meanwhile i'm wondering when the university will send me a reply. after which i'll probably have to hunker down and get o the nittygritty details of yuck, a study loan. a yuckier thought is that i'm gonna commit (the last) 4 years (of my  precious youth!!) to studying and working off my loan. it feels worse than the thought of actually getting married (although it's not like i would know..). but i think, hey, it's just 4 years, not a lifetime - using this mantra, i psycho myself. and well, still psycho-ing.

been reading so much chinese novels, i wish i could write the thoughts i have in both english and mandarin. sometimes i wish blogging was like talking. like talking with fanghui, i can mix and switch between chinese and english for suitable phrases. and when i forget the end part of some chinese idiom she can complete it for me. now that's real easy communication. however much i understand chinese, my sounds or pinyin sometimes aren't exact. and i don't make too much of an effort because i just can't get it right anyway. so when i'm unsure, i usually say it in a few sound choices, my friends will pick the right one out for me. and i'll just go yah that's what i meant to say. :D
i must admit too, it's fun seeing the helpless exasperation and rolling eyes on their faces, i know they think i do it on purpose. but i dont. really. even if i sound like i wanna sound cute. lol!
the only thing i ever do on purpose is singing off tune, but strangely, they think i'm really tone-deaf. 
and i'm not.
*rolls eyes*

...

for hot explicit homo fanfic (*read: yaoi) on Mononoke.. here's the link
hur~hur~hur...and i really thought i was the only one who had none too clean thoughts about kusuri-san..
kusuri-san's the uke, his other bronzed self the seme, and all sorts of bedscenes unfolding in my mind~ ----*nosebleeds. again*----

i know what you're thinking: i go off on a hiatus for a long time and the 1st post i write, is something like that?? sigh.
i'm losing it..really. :P

[ .::Soundtrack: The Arrows - One Night Star::. ]

sometimes i would find myself slipping away from myself. lost amongst the many mundanities, minor excitements and more oft than not, little indignities of life.
i was cleaning out the "treasure" boxes of my old secondary schoolyears, chockfull of letters, cards and assorted memorabilia when a piece of yellowed chinese newspaper cutting dropped out, and if you must know, during my before-18 years of life, my mandarin was horrible.
at 13 i could barely converse, at 16 i still found reading the newspaper a near-impossible chore, so to find out that this chinese-incompetent/me actually thought a short chinese essay was worth keeping  was rather surprising.
this short piece was written by a girl from hong kong studying here, she was probably about the same age as me that time, 14.

i have to admit, i was very moved after reading it. it made me remember that my schoolyears weren't just a haphazard patchwork of teenage rebellion, mind-numbing wastage, misplaced melancholia and misdirected angst.
after all that this gawky scrawny kid that used to be me did, from writing letters to keeping diaries to drawing pictures, whatever, this though, is probably the only thing that actually connected to the me now.
仿彿讓我返回時間的轉變﹐ 透過過去的時光﹐ 再次閱讀這一片短短的文章。。。
    
    . ... .

        人的性格﹐ 是樂天抑或悲觀﹐ 很多時候都受周遭所見或經常想到的事情影響。
    
        我喜歡幻想﹐ 愛做夢。

        ...

          當我升上讀小學的時候﹐ 課室的窗戶一律向海﹐ 向著世界最接近市區而又最繁
忙的機場跑道。 每天看著鐵鳥升升降降﹐ 只感好奇﹐ 原來窗外的世界跟現實並沒
兩樣。 雖然每天換來的結局﹐ 都是受到老師責備﹐ 但依然故我。
 
        我愛對窗外幻想﹐為自己構思一個屬於自己的世界。。。無拘無束的自由自在的。。。

        人大了﹐ 思想變得成熟﹐ 人亦自然變得感性。
      
        我考完小六的畢業試﹐ 順利進入直屬中學﹐繼續我的夢與想。。。

        看著飛機起起落落﹐ 就像人一生必須經過生離死別﹐ 在不斷離離合合﹐ 若即若
離的片段中跟朋友﹑親人﹐ 甚至是愛人相聚分離﹐ 令人牽腸掛肚﹑肝腸寸斷。

        有時候﹐ 我但願能化身為小鳥﹐ 在無邊無際的長空中翱翔﹐ 在偌大的大自
然中栖息。

         夢完了﹐ 又要回到沉悶的現實中﹐ 面對墨綠的黑板﹐ 孜孜不倦的教師﹐ 欲語
還休的同學﹐ 永無休止的問題﹐ 堆積如山的功課。。。

        到了將來﹐ 我是否仍愛望出窗外? 是否還會記住我曾見過的每一戶窗外? 是否還
記得窗外飄進來的每一股香氣? 會否記得第一次等著自己心愛的人歸家的時候的心
情? 會否記得。。。

           窗外的明朗使我開懷﹔ 窗外的暗淡令我黯然。 我的心情喜歡隨著窗外的
一切而變化。

        我喜歡窗外的一切。

    . ... .

...看完了之後, 我有那麼一時的感覺, 我似乎...看開了...

 
feeling: outrage at the Myanmar situation..BUT. yes there's always this whole BUT thing..
i guess nothing very much is gonna get done, apart from people in the developed countries patting each other on their backs for such heroic and expressive wordings and usage of such..strong language...hm..probably more nothing.
there are probably more dead than reported (DUH.) but apparently it seems as long as it's a citizen of a foreign (note: strong? richer?) country, ahem, like Japan perhaps, you might actually have reason enough to go there and demand some answers. other than that, any form of overt involvement might be God Forbid misconstrued as Interfering Into Another Country's Affairs. The people of Myanmar are poor, so poor and miserable they don't have the luxury of high ideals and lofty ambitions like overthrowing the oppressive, corrupt junta, what they most wish for is some peace, stability and at the end of the day, money enough to live an O.K life. Well I guess we can do without doing away with the corruption, seeing as so many countries in Asia like Malaysia (oh you know the Integrity or something plan? seems pretty much a flop..), Thailand, Vietnam, Indonesia are rife with it, it's almost like a part of life, gee what would one do without it, so yeah let's put corruption aside first and just  what the hell is wrong with a country that has an army to shoot it's own people??!  crazy right?  but  the ruling junta sure thinks it's great, and you know what? it's been this way for nearly half a decade.
here we are trying to get china to get a move on changing Myanmar, but think about it, even if they do have enough influence...why should they have to use it? the only thing they need to get concerned about is that the violence don't escalate until there is a possibility of it threatening their business interests in any way. A peaceful Myanmar is the best, an economically and politically stable Myanmar even better, but to them, the short term costs of achieving that may not be quite worth their battle.
and erm long term? sure it's a great thing, but again the same old argument, it's Another Country's Internal Affairs.
Even if the Western powers want to take some kinda action, Russia and China is always there (as usual) to block them.
I don't agree with their sanctions too. Sure economic sanctions make a loud and clear statement, but that's like holding the chickens of a rich man hostage while demanding ransom from him. The only people who's gonna suffer more are the commoners. i don't think anybody in that country seriously think that sanctions will make a huge dent in the wealth of the ruling generals. and relations.

So with the rest of the world looking on in hand-wringing helplessness, part-frustration part-anxiety part-how-am-i-gonna-come-off-this-looking-good? all the while comforting one another in some kind of righteous indignation? saying no worries man, "he/she's working behind the scenes.." (<--whassat?? some new code word for doing nothing??), the protests will die down because the people of Myanmar have to work to eat, schools to attend, family to feed..leaders of street protests go straight to jails (or disappear..), monks get arrested/beaten/burnt/however-you-want-yours-served (or maybe the badguys hope- die from starvation in jails..), the miserable get more miserable, the poor more poor, the rich more rich, and all the generals have to do is just to wait it out, evade the UN rep for some time, or meet him and give evasive answers? And the whole thing will end with everybody carrying on with their little political talk-talk on let's-give-them-democracy-even-if-we-have-to-shove-it-down-their-throats vs. let's-leave-them-to-evolve-in-their-own-time-and-like-a-budding-flower-one-day-blossom-and-discover-their-own- beautiful-democracy-amen.

even in such modern times where human rights are a given basic of life and anything less is barbarically stone-age...sigh.
me and you? what can we do? just more talking, writing and posting righteously-indignant articles..

some people die fighting for a cause they believe in.
others light a candle for that.

...

read the papers today and can't agree with the Workers' Party's representatives more.
I think most MPs are missing the point here.
like me, it's not that we don't understand the need for these CPF changes (c'mon we're not idiots.)
but hey, where DOES all our money go to?
well we can't really expect the government to give us ALL of the money they earned from investing OUR money, coz for one thing,  they are the ones carrying the risk afterall.
but hey...from the numbers, are we really, absolutely sure the percentage of our returns can't be increased?
All we really want is to be able to retire as early as possible, get our money and enjoy life!
these changes may be made with a whole lot of sweetener added to the pot but it doesn't change the fact that the government just keeps delaying our CPF payouts.
by the time I retire, i can only withdraw my money at 65???
any earlier and i lose out on benefits.
who knows, the retirement age may get pushed back to 67 by then.
Sylvia Lim made a really valid point, i don't see why there could be any rebuttal.
linking the later retirement age is just a bad idea.
and she hit bulls eye when she said our CPF money is like a "mirage".
we think we can see it, it starts to look real near, and then hell no, it's only a goddamn "mirage".
i do understand that due to the aging population we need more people in the workforce to keep the economy going,
and to solve that the government has decreased the employer's contribution into a worker's cpf account after a certain age to encourage continued or re-employment.
but think about it, at 55, you're getting old, tired, probably with 1 or 2 chronic diseases like high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, over-weight, osteoporosis, menopausal (yeah for women), and you still can't use your cpf.
at the same time, your employer re-employs you at a lower salary, contributes at a lower rate to your cpf..
god help you if you have no insurance or bank savings. or even children who can support you financially.
waitamin, the government also says, you may need to contribute more, or take a cut off your cpf to buy annuities.
people like who, who think fatalistically, think, what if we die young?
all that i saved and scrimped is not only wasted, i didn't even get to enjoy a real retirement before i die!
so what if the stats say we're prolly gonna live til 85?
bah!
i'm not really~~ bitching about the government. really.
i think it's pretty smart of them to plan early and all that. (classic kiasuism?)
but i just don't think they are addressing the concerns of the normal working class people.
we understand the need and the logic behind these changes, but we aren't convinced enough that these changes are the only choices we have.
MPs pushing aside certain issues brought up with a terse "you're missing the point" are really the ones missing the point.
i wish the WP have more representatives in the parliament though, at least they're actually asking the questions we are asking.
and boy, do some MPs ask stupid questions, or suggest non-feasible ideas.
ideas so good you know it won't work because it only satisfy our selfish desires without solving the problem of a shortage in the future workforce.
..i wonder..if they are just suggesting stuff they know won't work just so they sound like they're on the side of the working class..
weirder and weirder..nobody rebukes them with a -you're missing the point. oh wait! they're on the same side! ahhhh....
all we really want is to be convinced that this, all these changes, is not only for the good of the future (and we know that), but is the ultimate absolute middle ground for everyone.
really.

oh. and if we get a clear explanation of where our cpf money goes to..yep that would be even better.
making stuff like that transparent sets our mind at ease.
(at least we know how rich the government is. j/k)

...

[ .::Soundtrack: Pomegranate - Come 2 Me::. ]

this is just to remind me how much i really want, no, need this.
therefore: my new wallpaper.

(of course, the original is much bigger..)

...

New Title: Hey, Show Me The Money!!

(the above was me being irritating. my catchphrase of the week. to relieve stress, try it on the person next to you, say it loud, and in the most spastic manner you can think of. eg: money = marrnii~ ; also try shaking limbs in incoordination. i find it works very well, more so if you ended off with a rhythmical hiccupped laugh- 2 low 1 high.)

.:.

and....i'm sure i've tons of stuff to say...erm. once i get over my jap test that is..(i'm gonna fail!!)
and....yeah i wanna buy a telescope too!
i've been keeping it sooooo secret it's just bursting out. didn't wanna tell anyone when i'm sure they're just gonna be a wet blanket about it.
did i mention i bought a violin too???  yeah. i'm crazy.
and i got a new job. can't say i haaatte~ it. but i sure ain't in love with it. -_-"
sigh. occasionally i still miss working in a bookshop.
alright. i miss it. i work much shorter hours now, more free time in between work hours, but yet, i get way less done.
at the bookshop, whether i was busy or not i was pretty happy. happier when i had no customers, but if i was busy it's fine too. working at a clinic now, even if it's with my sister, i can't help but secretly hate it.
even when there's no doctor in, and we're pretty free, somehow...it's just not the same..
oh well. i'll stop bitching. it's not that bad either. if i could do whatever i wanted in the past, it was probably because i was in-charge, now that my sis's in-charge, i may not have to do much paperwork but...basically i can't just not do work when I feel like it. if we don't do anything, it'll be because SHE don't feel like it. not me.
get it? that's the difference. so maybe it's not a medicines vs. books kinda thing.
but then again, it's not everyday that sisters get to work together...and i see her so seldom otherwise. so we'll see.
if i don't end up killing her, i might just survive this..

.:.

antennasia - kimono

anyway, pretty happy with this wretch blog thingy ever since i moved over. sometimes reading the faq is a pain in the neck when it's all in chinese (if it's a story that's ok...but instructions? x_x ) and well, sometimes the ready-made themes makes one cringe and i still haven't figured out how to, if i can, customise how the blog looks, etc blahblah everything.
but they've just merged yahoo and wretch so i can actually upload up to 120mb of photos and music free. with ads.
see the link above? yeah i tested it, it works! i got antennasia's kimono up~
and for 88NT a month or 499NT a year i get 1070mb of space. no ads. sounds pretty good. at 499NT, it's about 2bucks a month over here for me. blows huh? yeah that made me smile too.
if this works. i'll just kick mt away. and byebye my old shitty server. my domain name is still valid, prolly for 1 year more?
thanks jinro, you introduced me to wordpress and i do think it's pretty cool, but basically, the themes there and here, pretty much the same and they don't offer you album and music space. (& i'm very bribable)
i would have preferred wordpress over to this, but mostly only because they offered the option of importing MT posts over...and i tried. the file's too big, i would have to split the file and that's just too much trouble. i mean, what if i split it and it still doesn't work? thought about going back to blogspot, but nah, that's where i came from, so. am. not. going. back.
to customise wordpress you gotta pay too, much more than this. so...hell. i'll just take the cheaper one. i mean look,  MT costed me over 100bucks, and god knows over the years how much i paid to renew my domain and monthly server fees...and surprise! it still f*ks up all the same.
and i'm getting lazy to blog (heh. sorry for stating the obvious), so why not just stick with somewhere where they'll be happy to let me upload a few songs, blog a bit and not have to babysit it like some uberspoilt brat.
all i have to do is to put up with some cringe-themes and chinese FAQs. (and the guestbook theme is kinda cute..)
so... where do i sign?

...

no it's ok. no, no, don't worry i'm fine. just..just don't talk to me now.
argh.
i'm in the doldrums. capital D.
my blog is down. so is my ftp? actually the whole site isn't working right.
i upload stuff, i really did! it's THERE, but go to the location..and it's a 404 error. :S
tried uploading songs, even simple picture files. nothing works.
i thought maybe i got the url wrong, wrong command or something i missed out in the html but i look, and look, until my eyes cross and still find nothing wrong.
i give up.

it's a difficult position.
even if i take down my old blog (breaks my heart you know), it means i don't exactly need a server for it anymore, but i do use it to upload songs/picture files..of course i can up it to free fileservers..
then my domain name would be useless, i think i have another year on contract.
well, i had many pleasant years with fuitadnet, but if this doesn't work out...it's goodbye to most of the old stuff then.
have over 200 posts, can't expect me to transfer that anywhere..

this is really solid proof you know. that MT really doesn't work for normal people. like me. i'm normal.

.:.

ok. topic break: been watching akage no anne..and it made me wanna re-read anne of green gables all over again.
this would have to be the fifth or sixth time then lol
i wonder about the historical accuracy too. and if P.E island is really so beautiful. think it still is? makes me...kinda..a teensy innsy bit of wanting to go to canada..
are school lessons in those days really...so simple? why, they don't even study sciences at age 15!
3 languages - english, french and latin and 3 maths - arithmetic, geometry, algebra.
why wasn't i born then??? lessons would have been soooo much more pleasant. not that i hate science, but...their maths just seem...easy.
sigh. you know, there are (i think) 10 books in the anne of green gables series. i only clearly remember reading the first 2, and somehow got until book 4 (anne of the island? perhaps?) and didn't continue.
seems like i lost steam halfway through, a grown-up anne is just not the same i guess.
just like how a grown-up me isn't the way i thought this would be when i wasn't grown up yet lol
can't say i'm all thaaat disappointed...but you can be sure i'm nowhere near ecstatic either, especially not when my site is not working right, and i'm meeting my insurance agent next week :P

talking about that, i remember her asking me once what my main concern is right now and me saying, "i'm afraid, going at this rate, i may very possibly be unemployed by 40.."
she gave me a funny look, i gather that wasn't what she wanted to hear, to which i replied, "i'm serious!"
her smile was so..stiff, it was funny, and i'm sure i saw her brow twitch lol
i didn't even get to add, "my, i'm near retiring now even!" 'coz my dear sister kicked my foot under the table.
(she gives tuition to her daugher you see..)

.:.

um.. so i'm still in the doldrums. quite depressed.
so disconsolate my sigh sends fallen leaves sinking even lower into the muddy ground.
sigh..

...