ladypiano22 Blog

It hurts so bad I can't breath.  I loved Mini, I still do.  I wish I had never had Mini so I don't have to feel so much pain right now.  I don't cry.  I'm the first born with my dad's stubborness.  The privilege to cry over something or someone has long been stripped away from me.  I never knew I would cry or I would see myself in this situation today.  I can't imagine.  But it happened and I did.  And I realized that I really can't do this.  I've never done this.  Experience death of a loved one, this is my first time, and I found out I can't do this.  I am not strong enough.   

My two babies were perfectly healthy yesterday afternoon when I came back from volunteering and I fed them.  Perfectly cute, perfectly healthy, perfectly mine.  On this day around , I took Mini out and talked to him and sunbathed a little bit with him, and he was content just sitting there with me.  Then I decided it was time I get going, so I put back the roof to their cage and had to go away to work.  I was proud of myself for being able to step away from them just like that.  Because I usually stay with them and play with them whenever I have time.  Or even if I don'...well, who am I kidding? I always have time for my babies. 

At night, I came back home, saw Hulk sleeping and thought that everything's still great, Mini's probably just down there in the cage somewhere that I can't see.  So I went away, minding my own business, marveling over how cute they are.  Then some time at night, maybe it was after I ate dinner, I heard something outside.  I didn't think of anything, just thought that maybe it was the wind or some other birds at the cage or just that Mini and Hulk were playing or chasing each other around.  I didn't even look outside to see if Hulk was there before going to sleep.

~...................You better watch out, better not cry.....~~~  ..........Santa Claus is coming, to town~~ Yes, Christmas music at Starbucks.

This is why I bring my own music.

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So last night, I had the weirdest dream.  Okay, maybe it wasn't as weird as my other dreams but it was weird enough.  I dreamt that I was alone at home or at someone else's house, I'm not too sure about that since I felt as though I was at my own home, but thinking back, I believe the place has got some Asian roof thing going on(like the raised edges like some of the temples in Japan), so it's not really my house.  It was raining hard and I was just walking around the house, wondering when the rain was going to stop, when all of a sudden, lightning struck one of the houses like 2 doors down from where I was and I saw this brown/red liquid drizzling down the window of the house, below the roof where the lightning struck.  Then someone came back home and I was telling her(don't remember who she is) how lucky I was for being untouched by that scary thing.  Then she told me that our house had definitely been struck by the lightning also, cause one edge of the roof was burnt.  then I went outside to look (since the rain had stopped), and I saw the burnt roof and a bag of liver? blood hanging on top of my window.  Right then and there I realized that the brown/red liquid I saw drizzling down my neighbor's window was a bag of liver blood, since apparently that's what everyone had.

????????????????????

I can't believe how much resentment and anger I still have about incidents that happened so long ago.  It's been about 10 years, but some things are just too hurtful to let go.  I keep going back to those experiences and plan out possible come backs but it's all useless now.  What's the point?  I don't know, but it makes me feel just a little better.  

Why do schools ask these questions?!  I really don't want to feel that right now. 

So on my way to the hospital yesterday morning, I thought that everything's gonna be smooth and the sky's gonna be pretty bright already (because I fell asleep without my phone by my side and mom had to wake me up at 15 to 7, or else I usually leave the house at 6).  So there, I lost an hour, but I thought everything would be great now!  Cause hey, if traffic's bad at 6:30, it shoudln't be too bad at 7 right? muhahaa, I was so wrong.  The freeway's always cramped and there's just tons of crazy drivers in the morning.  Things I saw yesterday: cars swerving so they can be 1 car ahead from their last position; cars coming out from these little side streets at full speed, didn't care if anyone's coming at them, just so they can be 1 car ahead; cars tailgating so other cars won't cut in; cars speeding up and stopping at the same time because they thought they could get ahead, or they just want to cut in...and of course, I was more than welcome for others to cut in, as long as I'm kept out of all this crazy stunts.  I mean, if you want to risk your lives just so you can sleep in and catch the traffic and "practice" your driving skills with other people on busy streets, you're more than welcome, just leave me out of all this.  I'm at fault too, it was my decision to wake up late in the morning, so I got to witness a little bit of all this.  After getting off the freeway, I was pretty relaxed and just keeping a distance between myself and other cars when all of a sudden, some car just cut in front of me and stopped so abruptly!  I stepped on the break of course, but there was definitely a point where I was like, "OH SHIT!  WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT!?"  I normally do not get road rage but yesterday, I was definitely close to that point.  If you want to risk your life, you're more than welcome to, but I'd like to live till I'm old and cranky please. 

At SM, it was an uneventful but fun day.  You know shows like House really like to be dramatic sometimes so they show patients having seizures and their bp dropping and all that?  But yesterday, I got to see a little bit of that.  I don't know what that all that was about, but while the patient was getting suctioned, he started shaking convulsively but he stopped after the nurse took the tube out...but yeah, that was pretty intense and sort of violent!  Before this, the patient was unable to do a lot of thing because he was so weak, so I am curious about where he got his strength from for all that shaking.

Coming back from hospital, it took me nearly 20 mintues to get from the school to the freeway.  I later found out that it was because a lane that leads to the freeway I"m supposed to get on was closed, so I glanced to the backseat, hoping to find the map that's supposed to be in the car for "emergency" situations.  And jsut my luck, I coudln't find it, so I was like, "hmm...I wonder where I'll end up in?" "this is sorta funny"  And I kept thinking how my mom would react if she were in my situation, and that just made me laugh so hard....sorry mom, this is how I remind myself to stay calm and it's sort of my own twisted version of "what would mom do?" hehe  It turned out to be a hoax...there was another lane we could go on, so no panic there, just lots of time spent waiting on the road.

Today's a pretty good day.  Didn't get a lot of work done, but the day hasn't ended yet (though it's 1am right now), maybe I can get some work done.  The coffee I got from Starbucks earlier today is working pretty well.   

I donno if it's the weather or just that I haven't been drinking a lot of water...but my skin's all dry and itchy! ay....lotion lotion lotion

Mom got this big bottle of these chewable Vitamin C tablets the other day from Costco.  They taste like oranges or tangerines....pretty yummy but very sour.  I'm trying to take one per day but haven't been totally on track with that yet.

It's been a year and half since graduation and I still haven't found a way to maintain order in my life.

Recently though, it feels like some things are becoming more complicated and I'm beginning to focus on things that don't matter as much.  It's a weird feeling, because if you look at my current schedule, it's pretty structured yet sparse.  How is it that I'm feeling overwhelmed when in fact I haven't been doing too much?  It could be those phone calls from stressed out parents, or it could just be that I'm not doing enough!  I hate being rushed, but at the same time I do better when deadlines are approaching.  I guess I work best under lots of pressure, but I hate feeling pressured, though I'd always feel proud when great results come out from those stressful times.  ay.

Mom's right.  I am not as firm as I should on some things and some people, and I've been pretty un-yielding with others that don't deserve it.  I need to speak up and not be taken advantaged of, and I need to back off and give people some space.

Good: Got in some extra time at the hospital again and I love it!  Dave has been so nice for showing me all the interesting things he encounters.  Whenever he sees anything that might spark my interest, he calls me over and explain everything thoroughly and just lets me do hands-on stuff.  Today, he let me listen to the arm of a dialysis patient and talked to me in medical terminology which I had no idea about, but it was a really cool experience, guess I need to google more? lol

Good: Saw a pacemaker being inserted into the chest of a geriatric patient.  This was the first time I've ever seen a pacemaker up close and it's ridiculous how much it costs the hospital and the patients!!  Seriously, makes me appreciate my body even more.  It's crazy how it works and how many professionals it takes to make sure it works properly.  Jonathan and Randy and Von were totally cool; I learned a lot from them.

Bad: FRUSTRATED yet again.  Seriously, when will I learn?  I try to convince myself that it's a good experience and I should not care too much about how much I am paid, but seriously?  I don't like it so much anymore.  I really appreciate the opportunity to learn and to teach and it's true that I am not working for long hours, but for the hours I do work, I am not getting paid(except those two kids).  There's really not an organized system for keeping track of how many hours we work but there's plenty of records that shows how many lessons the kids come.  I find that disturbing. And frustrating.  I hate to have to ask for my pay, but I also hate it when I'm not getting it either.  WTH.  There's this kid that comes to get my help even though his/her mom can't afford the lessons.  My boss tells me that the mom can pay me directly and at first I thought it'd be a good idea because I was the only one helping her, but then it occurred to me that after 3 hours of no pay and him/her still coming back, I'd be sort of relieving my boss' financial situation and I'd be stuck with it.  The thing is, I'd love to help anybody with the subjects I know, but this is a business, not a volunteer service.  I'm SURE there are other volutneer services that actually pairs you up with upperclassmen or someone in your class, which would be pretty fun and would cost nothing, and would be extremely beneficial for the mom's fiancial situation.  I just hope my boss doesn't allow her to come before consulting with me, because next time, I'll just leave(should've done that today).  I feel like I"m just doing more extra hours of volunteer time and just getting caught off guard!  I also think that since the child thinks he/she can jsut come in for and hour on the day before the test and I'd have him/her prepared in no time, he/she feels like he/she doesn't need to study until he/she meets me!  If I can explain everything in one hour, that means if he/she just read the book himself/herself and TAKE NOTES while in class, he/she would be alright.  This is just laziness and a waste of mom's money and my time.  Mom's persistence is just going to promote procratination and a lazier attitude, which will do more bad than good for the child.  I don't like this, I really don't.  You can tell how frustrated I am.

This past weekend has been a blast!  I still can't believe that Jucy and JenJen came down to visit me!!!  The night before they came, I had an app to cram and didn't get to "prepare" for their arrival until about 4am.  Of course my house was a mess, but I couldn't just let them enter into a house that had paper and clothes just hanging out and having a party of their own. So I cleaned a little, which took 2 hours to finish, but at least the house was more presentable that way.  The day before, mi mama prepared the room for my little visitors, so that they'll have some place decent to stay for 2-3 nights. 

10/10/09
This was the day they arrived and it was the first time I've ever driven to the LB airport(i had my mom sitting next to me of course...).  When we got there, the girls were nowhere to be found, so I got out of the car to look for them.  During this whole time, I was kinda apprehensive about the police and everything, wondering when they'll come and ask us to move.  By the time I spot them, they were going off somewhere else...and I was just sort of jumping everywhere, hoping to get their attention.  But they didn't see me and it looked like they were going to the carousel to get their baggage, so I decided to circle around the place again.  This time around, they were there and waving to us by the waiting area and we hugged and still surprised, I drove them home.  After that, I sort of gave them a tour of the house and then my mom and I both drove to get lunch with the girls.  We went to this chinese restaurant in Cerritos, which turned out to be pretty good.  We talked about what we wanted to do and where we want to go, then we parted ways with mi madre and i took them to the Cerritos mall.  The mall was packed but it was still fun...we got to shop a little: I got a shirt and both girls got fashionable and comfortable shoes~~  After that, we decided to go karaoke.  The place was pretty outdated, and they mostly had korean songs, but we did the best we could and sang lots of english songs together...old songs, rap songs, nsync songs, backstreet boys songs...etc etc.  I had a great time, especially when it was during happy hour and we only spent half of what we normally spend.  Good times.

talking about this part of my life gets me everytime. that's all.