Alone in this World
Today I say the coldest thing I have ever said to anyone. My grandma was telling me that my uncle, aunt, my nephew and her will be moving out soon. She asks me if I will miss them. I told her back no and she say why not and I said coldly it’s because I don’t love them nor my grandma or my parents. That the pain the family brings to me outshines the happiness. Truthfully I lie; I just didn’t want to think about them leaving. I mean I grow up with my grandma’s care and my uncle living with me but now they are leaving me it hurt. It will feel weird, who will defend me when I have a conflict with my mom. I love them I really do but I want them to leave with out regretting or my grandma to miss me. I’m mad because why can’t they take me with them? I’m tired of this family it takes out my energy. I mean I love being with them but I’m tired of being in the middle of the conflicts.
Everyday I have headaches because there’s always yelling and screaming. I wonder if my world was mute and I couldn’t hear the screaming and yelling I wonder how it will be like. Some times I just want to close the door and never ever come out. But now it’s true that my family is falling apart. I think it’s a good idea for my uncle to leave because I know he can’t stand my mom aggressive opinions and authority. My mom she’s always love to be in charge and if you don’t listen to her she will go crazy. My mother is someone who likes to control I know it because she wants to control my life. She always complains and try to be a “better” mom. It’s a little too late for that I mean she never thought of her daughter opinions. She never came up to me and asks me how I was doing. What irritates me most is she will always go on about who make me, who help me, and who gave me life. Yeah, I know she did all those great things for me helping me be here on earth and giving the materials I need. But let me ask her.
Who grew up by herself? I did, who perform on stage singing her heart out and looking in the audience and realizing that your parents are not out there to watch you. It was me. Who was alone during a basketball game, track meet, and other activities it was me. She was never there for me. Yeah she gave me clothes and the things I wanted but did she do her mother job? She loves me and care for me but was she there in my child memories? She was too caught up on making money. I never seen her at my event only my dad but he comes at times. You don’t know how heart aching it was for me every time I do something. I don’t know but I feel like all my work is useless. My grandma was the one there for me and my mom has to take her away from me.
I feel like my mom is taking away all the things I love and care about. She stops me from liking Big Bang. She always complains how I am not perfect. How I’m a bad daughter, then how can I be a good daughter. I mean the pain lies so deep I don’t think tears can washes away. The pain and scar is in my heart and its hurt deep wounded. Everyone look at me and say I am a happy sun light to them but who’s my sun light? Who’s my angel when I need someone to cry on? I was born to be alone in this world my love ones slowly leaving me and I knew that it will happen sooner or later.